2. I can't escape the cycle of comparison : stressLess-life

I can't escape the cycle of comparison

https://ift.tt/NVJfyE8

Hello there, I have been posting here a lot in the past year. It looks like there is no escape for me from this cycle.

I'm male and almost 30 (to add some context).

Cyclically I always return to compare myself to others, to my friends and family. I know it is the thief of joy but there are moments in which I just can't help myself. They are just so (conventionally) charismatic and no matter what I do my charisma, my uniqueness, doesn't attract anyone. Even doing the things I like and being myself doesn't attract anything in my life. For example, I wear elegant because I really like wearing elegant, I feel pretty doing it, but no one cares and no one sees me; when others do, more charismatic and conventionally attractive, they attract a lot. Being myself doesn't pay off. I know it is wrong but I just can't do it. No one likes me, not even my parents who wish I was never been born at this point because I'm a loser (yes, they explicitly told me that) so how can I like myself?

I go to therapy but there are periods in which it just doesn't work.

I feel like my friends are going forward in their life and I'm stuck and I'm losing them.

One more thing: I absolutely despise the sentence "only good vibes" and those who use it. I have the right to feel sad after what happened in my life. What are you gonna do? Censor feelings?

It just feels like destiny: a middle finger which God uses to hide behind it. Everything I do to improve my life and mental health gets shattered in a matter of weeks by some stupid event: like a little toy car getting put back on the same road by a child God. I can't describe the sadness and anger I feel but typing this sentences.

How can I make this cycle of illness end here?

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