2. struggling to love myself after being the toxic one in a relationship : stressLess-life

struggling to love myself after being the toxic one in a relationship

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I (M.25) recently left a relationship of two years. The relationship was my first ever and it was generally a good one i.e. i felt loved and safe and so did my partner. But it was very long distance and with time it got harder and harder to deal with not knowing when next i'll see my partner so i broke it off some months back. I felt this was best for both of us as I would like to focus on getting my life together.

Despite me being the one to call off the relationship, it hit me quite hard. I did not realize how hard the breakup would be for me. I was okay for some months but with time i spiraled deeper and deeper into depression and i would always contact my ex and cause her to spiral as well. I felt very lost and I did not know how to cope with this. I also consistently felt guilty about ending things with her and felt the compulsive need to try fix and compensate the situation and stay friends with her even though I am terrible at this. Now I realize and accept I am incapable of being friends with my exes and would rather keep a civil distance but at the time i was forcing it and it just wasn't working. I would say mean things and get quite defensive alot. 1 also felt the need to highlight her flaws as much as i could in order to help myself get over the breakup but that just made me very unloving when we did talk which hurt her even more. I am not proud of this. I had flown off the rails and I did not realize selfish i was being each time. I was so focused on trying to feel better i did not empathize with her in the situation at all.

Eventually she got tired of my toxic behavior and blocked me (as she should). Honestly it was a service to both of us and i think a party of me subconsciously wanted this but i was too much of a coward to do it myself. I still miss her but knowing the door to communicate has been completely shut helped me focus more on myself and see how my actions were unloving and immature.

I am accepting the reality that i have completely burnt the bridge to a good person who was mostly a positive force in my life and now I am looking for what to do next. How i can heal. I spent alot of the the months after the breakup making excuses for my bad behavior but now i am accepting responsibility for my actions and I honestly just want to be a more adjusted and empathetic adult. I see how the situation could've been handled wayyy better if i was more emotionally mature and i spend most days feeling guilty and psychoanalyzing each immature action i took after the breakup which were my own weird attempts to grab control of the situation and feel better about myself.

I wish i could go into specific details of each action but i can't. You should just know i was quite mean. Unnecessarily mean. A lot of the time. And very insensitive to her likes and dislikes.

Now I am asking for how to proceed. I spend alot of days just replaying conversations and situations i was a complete asshole and I am appalled i acted this way to someone i loved. to be clear i am usually not an asshole. I am generally a kind and empathetic guy but this breakup has shown me a dark side to my character that i will most definitely work on

My question is how?

I am too poor for therapy and i am tired of rebounds. 1 am also unemployed but i work as a part time content creator for game companies while i skill up and search for other opportunities so i can't just throw myself into work.

I know this is a weird situation to ask for advice but i feel mostly lost and irritated at myself for my past actions. These things have made it quite hard for me to love myself right now and i know this is the foundations of me healing.

So far i have watched youtube videos from the channel school of life and it has been really helpful in understanding how i should've acted

So my question is how do yourself when you know you were the problem?

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