2. Healing is- : stressLess-life
Healing is-
https://ift.tt/pVu4egYNot what I expected.
I was angry. It felt like I could set everything on fire in my way and watch it burn to the ground with a smile on my face.
I was confused and depressed. Drugs, alcohol, take out boxes ravished my room for months. I couldn’t get up and I didn’t want to. I let myself rot. I quit my job. I let myself slowly die and I didn’t want to be here any longer. Self sabotage became a mission.
A perpetual state of psychosis and Anxiety made me stay inside. It kept me on this platform looking for answers that may or may not even exist. Although I know some things, a lot of questions are unanswered and I had to learn to let so much of it go.
Grief and shame took over my body and the loss of what I wanted most in the world was purposefully ripped out of my body and out of my life. Knowing that I can never get that back. Knowing I was the cause, had me suicidal for months. I’m still learning how to forgive myself.
The realization that I may not have been as important to the people I loved most in the world as I thought I was put me in such a state of loneliness that I felt absolutely nothing for the longest time. I isolated for weeks and weeks.
Mania got longer and depression got more intense.
I just wanted to be loved. I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me it will be okay. Nobody came and if they did it was just because they wanted to eventually try to fuck me. So I cut everyone off.
I got so angry, I was lashing out on anyone who crossed me in the slightest way. I didn’t even recognize myself any longer. I lost myself completely.
I was no longer allowing toxicity into my life. Something I had once welcomed so effortlessly my entire life. I let people hurt me and I had no self respect. I realized that I was hurting so much and I couldn’t fight it any longer.
Who was I if nobody was here? Am I even loved? How do I feel love if nobody is here to love me?
I started seeing my own reflection in everyone I ever loved. I started empathizing and letting people go with love if need be. I try not to take things personally any longer.
I started cleaning, like deep cleaning my entire house. Every single room.
After months of sleeping on the couch, I worked my way up to the bedroom where I had avoided going because it was too painful to look at all the clothes and depression. To see remains of Valentine’s Day and birthday outfits, to see the bottle of pills, to see the orange couch I laid on with him telling my life story while he smiled and kissed my forehead. To see where I fell apart and let myself rot.
I had to let everything go.
I had to take back what I had taken from me. My peace, my sanity, my happiness. I had to cleanse the air of ghosts that had been haunting these walls for years.
I used sage and said my last piece to the monsters I let live inside my head. I said goodbye to all the people I loved and lost. I welcomed space for better things.
I could breathe, I found peace with in my soul.
I started painting. I started writing. I started reading and learning new things again and I felt love for myself for the first time in my entire life.
I felt so much love. I FEEL so much love.
Healing isn’t linear though.
I still have my downs. I still miss him. I still am working through those regrets and feelings. I have to leave this place for a while and get back to my physical journey.
I still have a long way to go. I want to be alone and take care of myself. I’m pouring all the love I gave to others solely back into myself because I am the only person who can do that for me.
I’m picking up all the pieces and I’m creating something new. I am not the same and I thank the fucking universe that I’m not.
“I dusted myself off, and started climbing.
Dirt, sweat and dried up tears covered my entire face.
With my fingertips barely scratching the surface.
I sensed it all at once— Light. Radiance and euphoria fell like glitter all around my being.
Finally. I was free, I was finally fucking free. I felt proud. I was grateful. I was healing.
Walking into this new found life- the sun was shining and the trees were swaying in the breeze. I was dancing when it started raining.
Smiling- i spun around dizzy and joyful
and there in the distance, I could finally see all the space I held for beautiful things.”
submitted by /u/Lowerthanapplbttmj[link] [comments]
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