2. trying to encourage myself to a better place post-BU : stressLess-life
trying to encourage myself to a better place post-BU
falseTW: brief allusion to suicide attempt(s)
i just want to share my story and be proud for a moment and maybe ask you guys a couple questions 😊
Soooo ive been broken up with for over a month and a half now. Things WERE tough, really tough. for context, im a second year student and spent the first four weeks absolutely bedridden (yikes 😬)
three weeks ago, i started making moves to choose myself first. id made contact with my uni's wellbeing team, started attending lessons again, reached out to someone in my class and now we're friends. i went to the cinema without her; i cooked up some lovely dinners too. All good stuff that im very much proud of! unfortunately, i was really struggling to manage my thoughts about my ex and im definitely a bottler when it comes to my emotions and thoughts and things. without going into too much detail, it'd often get to an unbearable place and i did a couple stupid things that landed me in hospital twice, just days after eachother 🙃🙃
id like to stress im in a much better place now, as the wellbeing team advised i spend some time back home and be with my family. this is now my second week home and ive started to feel the cracks of normality seeping through!!
last week i watched a CRAP ton of movies, which was nice to do. it's now half 11 on tuesday (Wednesday's creeping closer and closer 👀), but ive taken up a couple shifts back at work and they felt really good! ive been listening to some music i used to fucking adore (the professor layton soundtrack 😊) and, on one hand while i see the way my ex never made an effort to embrace that particular hobby of mine (she barely made an effort with anything), im able to enjoy the music and the memories of the games before her and i just feel so happy!
ive often found myself getting angry at JUST how much of our relationship she didnt reciprocate back. Everything from the small everyday, to reallly big things. from treating her with breakfast, to the bedroom, to her hobbies, to her family, i embraced it all and made her my number one priority
she never did the same for me 🤷
im currently in a mood where i look back at that statement and i just think 'fuck you' and that's it, thats okay. but more often than not, i get stuck in a rut and obsess over every detail and every example to prove that statement correct. i know it's correct. i see it now. my parents saw it while i was in the realtionship. i just need to figure out a way of maintaining that midset, which people keep telling me will come with time 🙄
my mum's boyfriend treated me to a haircut on saturday and, for one of the few times ive had my haircut, they actually did what i asked for AND it looks pretty good! i feel like i look good, even with something as stupidly simple as a haircut. ive been wanting to treat myself to some retro 80s style clothing because i LOVE the look and i want to feel so much cooler in myself. theres also a part of me that wants her to see me in the street and be jealous at what she's missing out on
im conscious that all that seems quite shallow and surface level, especially as im not feeling 100% half the time. (that said i AM feeling better most of the time too). my hope is that if i make myself pretend to be strong for a bit, i will actually just force it to happen anyway 🤷
ANYWAYS, things are looking up! theyre actually looking a lot more up than how they were when i was at uni. id like to head back, even if it is for a week, before christmas so that i can see the few people i have interacted with. i want to return to that independent life, but then i can also acknowledge im not really in a position strong enough to do that yet. i have an appointment with my GP in a couple weeks and i have NO idea what the gameplan is gonna be after that. i really want to go back to uni in the new year for definite.
tomorrow im meeting up with a few of my mates- one of them i havent seen in genuinely over a year and im so fucking excited to see him again!! im telling myself i need to knuckle down on my uni assignments this week too. im playing genshin (recently came to xbox 😊😊) alongside my work bestie so that's been really fun to talk about. today i saw a close family-friend uncle because he came round for dinner, and while we didnt really get to catchup personally, it was soo good seeing him again.
i just need to know how to keep this up? when im not doing anything, my thoughts often drift to her. while i try distracting my thoughts with things i love, it more often than not seems to have no effect :/// sometimes it feels exhausting surrounding myself with friends and family, but then when im by myself, i just dont want to be alone. if anyone can give words of advice/tips/words of affirmation and reassurance, thatd be really great 😊 feel free to add as much detail as you like!
it's taken me so so long to start to choose myself again, and while i feel like im presenting myself as strong, my weaker moments are REALLY weak and hit very hard. im just tired of feeling like this. i want to move on and let go and forget about her the way she's forgotten about me. i want to return to the strong and independent version of myself that i was before id ever met her
but yeah, PLEASE leave some kind of repsonse if you can. it doesnt have to be advice, id love to just know that im trying to do the right thing, and im feeling proud about it 😊
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