2. Reflecting on the meaning of having a “relationship with yourself” : stressLess-life
Reflecting on the meaning of having a “relationship with yourself”
https://ifttt.com/images/no_image_card.pngI always found this phrase peculiar. How does one have a relationship with oneself?
Recently, I’ve started to think of it like this:
I’m not one single entity. I know this because I can observe myself experiencing things. So there must be a feeling/experiencing body/mind and an observer, at the very least.
The feeling self exists in the now. It isn’t necessarily logical, and some parts of it are stunted due to developmental wounds. Sometimes it behaves childishly.
At times it helps to think of this self as a scared and confused child (such as my younger self). I try to direct towards it the kind of unconditional compassion and positive regard I’d feel towards my younger self or my own child.
Whenever I’m about to do something questionable, I ask myself: “would I say this or do this thing to my child/my sister/my best friend?”
Eg. Imagine you were completely responsible for a loved one, and had to dictate every aspect of their life. Would you ever do any of the following to them: deprive them of sleep, leave them dirty/unwashed, make them eat fast food for every meal, leave them totally sedentary and unstimulated, or insult and criticize them incessantly? Of course not. So why would it be okay to do these things to yourself?
I used to ask myself all the time why I hated myself so much. Then I realized - there is a bi-directional trust between the feeling self and the observer. That is what a “relationship with yourself” is and determines how you feel about yourself and by extension, the world.
If someone else was treating you poorly and depriving you of your basic needs, would you love them? Obviously not.
If someone else kept making promises to you and going back on them, would you trust them? No.
If someone you didn’t trust (you) was responsible for your entire life, would you feel good/secure about that or totally out of control and riddled with anxiety and despair?
If I dished out the same abuse I’ve given myself for years to any other human being, I’d be in jail for the rest of my life. I’ve committed the legal definitions of torture on myself: I’ve starved myself, I’ve cut myself, I’ve beat myself up both physically and mentally, I’ve repeatedly ingested poison. Hating my abuser (myself) was not only understandable, it was the logical response!
I’m trying to be mindful of this even in the smallest of tasks. If I’m thinking of rushing through brushing my teeth, I’ll ask myself “would I half ass brushing my loved one’s teeth?” and of course I wouldn’t, so I don’t.
I try to do every act of self-care with the same attitude I’d have towards a loved one or towards my pets. It’s not a recharging period so they can be more productive, it’s meeting the basic needs of a living being because they intrinsically deserve that. It’s the foundation everyone needs (and should have gotten from their parents) to reach their full human potential. And by “potential”, I don’t mean work. I mean becoming a secure, confident person capable of navigating the world and forming meaningful relationships with others.
I think this approach is working, because when I reflect back I’m aghast at the way I treated myself. It honestly brings me to tears. I’ve always believed all people have value and have strived to treat others with respect and kindness. The fact I did not include myself in “all people” is a major revelation to me. I am trying my best to treat myself like a human being now.
Interested in anyones thoughts on this and hearing how you think about self-love.
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