2. Mastering the art of saying “no” : stressLess-life

Mastering the art of saying “no”

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For a long stretch of my life, I struggled to decline others' requests. When I did muster the courage to say "no," I often grappled with guilt. Reflecting on this, I recognize that my difficulty stemmed from low self-esteem. I was uncertain of who I was, what I wanted, or my core values. Even when a part of me had some clarity, I lacked the confidence to stand up for my beliefs. This inability to set boundaries caused significant discomfort and negative emotions when I tried to refuse requests.

Interestingly, I've found that boundaries and respect are interlinked. Establishing healthy boundaries often leads to respect from others. Without them, we're rarely taken seriously or treated as we deserve. Setting boundaries is a vital step in gaining respect for yourself. Many fear that saying no may offend or disappoint someone, leading to unfavorable impressions. However, the opposite is often true. When you master the art of declining requests gracefully, you command respect and attract individuals who resonate with your values.

So, how do we confidently say "no" to others?

Firstly, discern when to decline and when not to. If this decision-making process feels daunting, take it as a cue to enhance your self-awareness and understanding. My principle for refusal isn't grounded in personal preferences or ego but on my assessment of situations, activities, or individuals and their potential for mutual growth and healing. It's crucial to differentiate between "sacrifice" and "compromise." While setting boundaries involves finding a middle ground for compromise, it should never entail sacrificing oneself. When you relinquish parts of your being, you diminish your capacity to be of service to others.

Secondly, ascertain why you need to refuse certain requests. What motivates this need? Which aspect of yourself demands it? Your response can shed light on areas of your life that require healing and development. It's particularly essential to recognize feelings of reluctance when needing to say no. What's holding you back? Such instances might point to areas with conflicting intentions that demand clarity. My philosophy rests on the idea that refusals should be grounded in one's core values, not on societal norms or others' expectations. To garner respect from others, begin by respecting yourself. This entails gaining clarity on your values, adhering to them, and making informed decisions rooted in these values.

Once you've determined what to decline and why, strategize on how to communicate it. I advocate for the approach detailed in Non-Violent Communication. Begin by expressing your feelings using "I" statements, e.g., "I feel XYZ when this occurs." Then, clarify your needs with phrases like "I need XYZ." Try to be as specific as possible. Finally, propose a solution that seeks a common ground. Although you're making it clear that you're declining a request, suggest a mutually beneficial alternative. If the other party doesn't agree, that's perfectly alright. Proceed without coercion, and move on.

Written by Tracey Zhang, a personal growth coach who helps individuals heal, grow and thrive major life transitions.

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