2. I want to be someone else : stressLess-life

I want to be someone else

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If there are 7 days in a week 3 of those days I wish i was someone else & if it wasn’t for specific memories with people I wouldn’t hold on as much. Woke my memory, let me recreate myself. Sometimes I don’t even want to look like me because of everything that came with actually being me. My face looks like some of the people I love and despise, my memories hold all the good and bad associated with people, objects, food, music etc. if for a minute I could switch off my brain to the white noise option I’d love that. But back to me wanting to be someone else, I only want to be someone else because sometimes I am to soft and I let people walk over me because I care about their feelings more then mine. If I was someone else I’d probably have the courage to tell people about themselves or even say “no” which is full sentence by the way, I usually give filler reason as to why I can’t do something and I have to stop over extending myself to people who clearly wouldn’t lift a finger for me. I hate that I care so much too, I hate being so emotional or as they call it “in touch with you feelings” - it’s tiresome for overthinkers, for people with bpd, people who have multiple personalities, people with anxious attachment styles. I want to be cold and I know it’s a silly thing to say because to be one with your feelings is a beautiful and strong thing, i don’t feel strong or powerful if anything I feel weak and silly .. I just don’t like that I give people the benefit of the doubt more then 5 times honestly and I still don’t get it through my thick ass skull like hello this person isn’t for you nor on your side! But I continue to still put things pass people because in my heart I want everyone to be loving and thoughtful like me but no one will think like me. Even when I get shitted on, spoken to horribly, I still love the person, like what is wrong with me?! Just want to be brave and strong in my own way, I mean if the people who shit on me can do it, why can’t I do it to them at least? I want to no overthink and do people how they do me, and the crazy part about this is my brains knows she can forget people, ignore people, hate, despise people, my brain can understand this person isn’t good for me but we just can’t break away from them. Like I can’t be delusional enough to be someone else and I see people doing it constantly. For one day I just want to be someone else not worry, not have my subconscious constantly kicking my ass, I want her (subconscious) & I to agree for once because it’s always her way or no one’s way and I am tired. And she knows that not every thought that pops in our head we have to acknowledge or believe but we still do. I want her to know she doesn’t have to feel everything so intensely and something’s just come and go. I want her to feel safe so she doesn’t feel like she has to be someone else, just want to trust each other. I want us to feel like we can be us and still be amazing, like we can be this in touch with our feelings and still trust them to lead us where we have to go. I don’t want to have to feel like someone else to love myself, and love the way I think or feel or move.

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