2. I am about to be single and I am terrified. Any tips on being okay with this? : stressLess-life

I am about to be single and I am terrified. Any tips on being okay with this?

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Hello. I am 25M. I just finished school. Now, me and my lovely girlfriend of 8 months decided to end our relationship because I just got a job in a New York, a city in which I have never lived, and she will be staying in school here in Tennessee. Not only that, but we had a buildup of trust issues, as we both have a record of not being totally truthful towards each other during our relationship. The relationship started while she was staying in regular contact with her ex of nearly 10 years, and lying to me about it for months until I found out myself through digging in her Instagram while we were in an official relationship. This really is a whole can of worms, but long story short, I understand why she did what she did. She lives an incredibly complicated life, studying abroad here intentionally temporarily, but suddenly stuck here completely alone, away from her beloved family because of a terrorist group that took over her country which is now very dangerous to visit or exit. Then, she unexpectedly fell in love with an American boy (me), which is extremely prohibited in her strict culture. It was a lot of confusion for her. Well, for both of us really. Because the foundation of our relationship was built off of confusion untruthfulness, and me being sort of a rebound for her, it's been really tough on us to maintain trust with each other. However, we are both very understanding and are able to put our egos aside and not hold hatred for each other.

We feel that although we love each other, it would be best to let each other start our lives separately and not go through the anxiety of trust issues through long distance, especially since I just accepted a job that will need my best mental health, effort, and a clear mind. I move there to begin in a couple of weeks.

However, this was my 10th monogamous relationship. If I am to be honest with you, I have never done well being single. I have always felt feelings of crippling anxiety and depression whenever I am single. I feel that life is pointless to experience without a lover. Whenever I find a new person, all of these negative feelings go away. When I am in a great relationship, I feel at my absolute best. I feel that I can tackle anything in the world because I am not distracted by lust/women because I have a special woman that I love and I am proudly loyal. But, when the relationship is not going well, all of my power is taken away. Suddenly I cannot focus on anything in my life. My life slowly breaks down and my performance in all aspects steadily decline, and I start letting all kinds of people down until my relationship feels secure again.

I know this is a red flag in myself. I understand that learning to be truly happy on my own is the way to go. It would be really nice to have full happiness and content with myself, because that means no one could have control over my psyche. It seems like the ultimate strength. This would also eventually allow me to let a compatible love find me on its own, because I'd be in no rush as I'd be occupied by the love I'd have for myself. "Don't chase butterflies - build a beautiful garden and let the butterflies come to you."

My biggest desire is to find a lifelong partner, probably because that's what I always grew up seeing with my parents, who are still together in a beautiful marriage of 30 years. They are still each other's best friends. It's hard not to compare myself to them and feel like I was born in a generation where that will never be possible for me due to the rise of dating apps and most people having too much choice. I fear that most people would rather look for a new option the moment they feel bored. I fear that my parents' concept of love and commitment no longer exists in my digital generation (I've never had/used a dating app but I know most people use them).

Could you please share with me some insight on alternate ways of thinking? I'd like to be more optimistic about love. It still exists, right? I sure hope so :( And, if available, could you share with me at least one thing you found that has really helped your relationship with yourself? Personal anecdotes would be preferred! Thank you for reading.

TL;DR - I am single again and I have a history of quickly hopping into the next girl that "gives me butterflies," without ever mastering self love first. I want to break that cycle this time but I need advice on how to reach a state of true self love.

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