2. Who the hell is this? : stressLess-life
Who the hell is this?
I was pragmatic, logical and a reasoning type of person . I looked at the world in cold, distant patterns framed by negativity and analysis. The world made sense because evidence and theories pointed out to that fact.
I was shy, I was afraid. I dont even know why. I dont even know of what, I just knew I had to be afraid. So I never opened my mouth, I looked at the ground, i looked at the sky, I looked at the walls. I was afraid to look at people eyes, they will see... they will see what they shouldnt. I dont want them to see, noone can know. Noone can ever know, what was done to me. I dont want people to see, if they see it it'll become real, and I will die of sorrow.
I was compliant. I gave space for others to shine, for others to get their way, for others to find happiness. And in their smile and happiness, I found my own. I told myself I dont need more. This is enough... more than enough. I dont deserve more.
I was weak, I lacked will. I lacked perseverance. I figured if it did not work, it is because it was not meant for me. Each failure brought direct valuation to my worth, to my standing. Each failure destroyed my will to keep going that much more. Each attempt brought endless self questioning, wasn't the definition of insanity to try the same thing hoping for a different result?
But then who is this shadow? A child, a small child, I stare in the mirror and I look away as his right hand grasps desperately onto the bottom of my shirt, he tears up. And I match him. I dont even know why, I dont recognize who he is. I can't recognize who he is, if I do, my world will shatter, my mirror will fade, my illusion will vanish. He stands there, looking at me, clutching ever so desperately, as shivers take over his body. I can't anymore, I can't pretend, I dont want to push him away. I kneel down, I take him into my arms, and as I do, he merges into me.
And now, now, pragmatism vanishes like a puff of smoke. Emotions, beauty, music are all I care about. I dont want to analyze, I don't want to look at the world negatively. Because I exist, because I am here, and while I draw breath, I refuse to let the world stay ugly, meaningless, and uncaring.
Shyness has disappeared. I know who I am, I love people, I love connections. I want to make more, so many, some meaningful, some superficial. I want to try, i want to reach out, meet new people, look at people in the face. If they see now, it is fine, I can take their judgment and stand my ground.
I am not compliant. I will give you space, but i wont allow you to crush me. I will protect myself, I will tell you what I think. I will live without shame, without blame. I will remove those that never deserved to have what I offered, when I served my heart on a platter.
I am made of strength, of resilience. I have faith in myself, I have a fire burning brightly in my heart, I care for it, I watch it closely and keep it safe. I wont give up, 100, 1000 failures it matters not. Each failure shows I survived, each failure made my heart stronger, my willpower more defined. Willpower to grasp what I need, to find what I crave most.
A place where I belong, a place where I can just be.
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I was pragmatic, logical and a reasoning type of person . I looked at the world in cold, distant patterns framed by negativity and analysis. The world made sense because evidence and theories pointed out to that fact.
I was shy, I was afraid. I dont even know why. I dont even know of what, I just knew I had to be afraid. So I never opened my mouth, I looked at the ground, i looked at the sky, I looked at the walls. I was afraid to look at people eyes, they will see... they will see what they shouldnt. I dont want them to see, noone can know. Noone can ever know, what was done to me. I dont want people to see, if they see it it'll become real, and I will die of sorrow.
I was compliant. I gave space for others to shine, for others to get their way, for others to find happiness. And in their smile and happiness, I found my own. I told myself I dont need more. This is enough... more than enough. I dont deserve more.
I was weak, I lacked will. I lacked perseverance. I figured if it did not work, it is because it was not meant for me. Each failure brought direct valuation to my worth, to my standing. Each failure destroyed my will to keep going that much more. Each attempt brought endless self questioning, wasn't the definition of insanity to try the same thing hoping for a different result?
But then who is this shadow? A child, a small child, I stare in the mirror and I look away as his right hand grasps desperately onto the bottom of my shirt, he tears up. And I match him. I dont even know why, I dont recognize who he is. I can't recognize who he is, if I do, my world will shatter, my mirror will fade, my illusion will vanish. He stands there, looking at me, clutching ever so desperately, as shivers take over his body. I can't anymore, I can't pretend, I dont want to push him away. I kneel down, I take him into my arms, and as I do, he merges into me.
And now, now, pragmatism vanishes like a puff of smoke. Emotions, beauty, music are all I care about. I dont want to analyze, I don't want to look at the world negatively. Because I exist, because I am here, and while I draw breath, I refuse to let the world stay ugly, meaningless, and uncaring.
Shyness has disappeared. I know who I am, I love people, I love connections. I want to make more, so many, some meaningful, some superficial. I want to try, i want to reach out, meet new people, look at people in the face. If they see now, it is fine, I can take their judgment and stand my ground.
I am not compliant. I will give you space, but i wont allow you to crush me. I will protect myself, I will tell you what I think. I will live without shame, without blame. I will remove those that never deserved to have what I offered, when I served my heart on a platter.
I am made of strength, of resilience. I have faith in myself, I have a fire burning brightly in my heart, I care for it, I watch it closely and keep it safe. I wont give up, 100, 1000 failures it matters not. Each failure shows I survived, each failure made my heart stronger, my willpower more defined. Willpower to grasp what I need, to find what I crave most.
A place where I belong, a place where I can just be.
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