2. Realizing I have never loved myself : stressLess-life
Realizing I have never loved myself
I was reading a book on how to love one's self. Well one page in and I'm in tears! It wanted me to look back in childhood and realize myself before fear, expectations, and trauma.
Problem is I can't remember a time I didn't dislike myself. I even remember a time in kindergarten when I thought to myself "I'm so annoying" and "what is wrong with me?"
I'm an anxious attachment type of person and throughout friendships and relationships I have realized I attach to people too strongly. I would like to love myself more than I do others.
So naturally, I go out searching and so far nothing has been helpful
For example, find things I enjoy.... most the time I have a few things I semi enjoy. Nothing brings passion. Even things like painting which I'm really good at never truly brought me joy. Collecting the supplies brought me more joy. I've tried HUNDREDS of things in search of something I'm passionate about or enjoy. Half the stuff just fills my time rather than being enjoyable. I have a favorite band and that's cool but after an hour of music I get migraines. Everything else I dont really have a preference on. Everything just fills my time and isn't enjoyable. I'm a pretty positive person overall but nothing is truly enjoyable.
Another thing I have seen others say is "treat yourself like you would a friend. You wouldn't beat a friend while they are down"... but the thing is I'm selective with my friends because I dont like a lot of people so close friends I wouldn't do that to. However, I am more of a person I wouldn't be friends with. Let's say someone with my exact personality wanted to be friends with me, I likely wouldn't agree to be their friend. I wouldn't directly say mean things to them, but I simply wouldn't like their personality as a whole so I wouldn't be friends with them (aka me) so that's pretty useless.
I've also seen someone say to name good qualities about myself. Things I like and others like. And I have TONS of positive qualities about myself. I'm very nice, always want to cheer people up, always positive about events that may seem negative, I'm creative, I never give up, I'm funny, etc. But I still dislike myself despite my good qualities. I dislike myself the way I dislike star wars. Nothing wrong with star wars, and many people enjoy the movies and I have heard they have good qualities to them. But I still dislike it and it is boring to me. No reason at all, I just dislike it!
I've seen people say "give yourself grace" lol logically I'm aware of minor mistakes and I give myself grace with that. But I genuinely dislike myself on a fundamental aspect.
I dislike that I talk too much, that I am physically disabled and cant do as much as everyone else, I dislike that I have a delay when talking to people. I dislike that I take a long time to process information that's basic. I dislike the way I can't stand or sit normally. I dislike the way I am too emotional. I dislike the fact that I am always in my head. I dislike my autism
Half of those can't be fixed and that's frustrating.
I have disliked these for several years and I will say I have disliked these things before everyone commented saying the exact same thing I hated about myself. So other people also seem to dislike the same things about myself that can't be changed.
At this point I dont feel like I'll ever love myself if I have never know what that even feels like. Not once in my life have I truly loved myself.
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I was reading a book on how to love one's self. Well one page in and I'm in tears! It wanted me to look back in childhood and realize myself before fear, expectations, and trauma.
Problem is I can't remember a time I didn't dislike myself. I even remember a time in kindergarten when I thought to myself "I'm so annoying" and "what is wrong with me?"
I'm an anxious attachment type of person and throughout friendships and relationships I have realized I attach to people too strongly. I would like to love myself more than I do others.
So naturally, I go out searching and so far nothing has been helpful
For example, find things I enjoy.... most the time I have a few things I semi enjoy. Nothing brings passion. Even things like painting which I'm really good at never truly brought me joy. Collecting the supplies brought me more joy. I've tried HUNDREDS of things in search of something I'm passionate about or enjoy. Half the stuff just fills my time rather than being enjoyable. I have a favorite band and that's cool but after an hour of music I get migraines. Everything else I dont really have a preference on. Everything just fills my time and isn't enjoyable. I'm a pretty positive person overall but nothing is truly enjoyable.
Another thing I have seen others say is "treat yourself like you would a friend. You wouldn't beat a friend while they are down"... but the thing is I'm selective with my friends because I dont like a lot of people so close friends I wouldn't do that to. However, I am more of a person I wouldn't be friends with. Let's say someone with my exact personality wanted to be friends with me, I likely wouldn't agree to be their friend. I wouldn't directly say mean things to them, but I simply wouldn't like their personality as a whole so I wouldn't be friends with them (aka me) so that's pretty useless.
I've also seen someone say to name good qualities about myself. Things I like and others like. And I have TONS of positive qualities about myself. I'm very nice, always want to cheer people up, always positive about events that may seem negative, I'm creative, I never give up, I'm funny, etc. But I still dislike myself despite my good qualities. I dislike myself the way I dislike star wars. Nothing wrong with star wars, and many people enjoy the movies and I have heard they have good qualities to them. But I still dislike it and it is boring to me. No reason at all, I just dislike it!
I've seen people say "give yourself grace" lol logically I'm aware of minor mistakes and I give myself grace with that. But I genuinely dislike myself on a fundamental aspect.
I dislike that I talk too much, that I am physically disabled and cant do as much as everyone else, I dislike that I have a delay when talking to people. I dislike that I take a long time to process information that's basic. I dislike the way I can't stand or sit normally. I dislike the way I am too emotional. I dislike the fact that I am always in my head. I dislike my autism
Half of those can't be fixed and that's frustrating.
I have disliked these for several years and I will say I have disliked these things before everyone commented saying the exact same thing I hated about myself. So other people also seem to dislike the same things about myself that can't be changed.
At this point I dont feel like I'll ever love myself if I have never know what that even feels like. Not once in my life have I truly loved myself.
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