2. I just want people to love me and have me as their favourite person : stressLess-life

I just want people to love me and have me as their favourite person

I'm 17 and I'm severely autistic. I suffer from depression and a obsessive fetish porn addiction caused by my lack of physical touch and overall appreciation in my life. My parents used to physically hurt me and my father still doesn't understand my condition. I can't wake up and end up sleeping until 12 am because I'm really tired from everything. The noise of people chewing is genuinely irritating for me, to the point that i have to make noises myself to make sure I don't hear those sounds when I'm eating (which i also rarely do). Everyone i know and love stopped speaking to me after they found out i used to stalk my ex gf because i genuinely hate her and i wanted to make her feel as mentally uncomfortable as she made me feel when she betrayed me and broke up with me. I currently have very few friends and although i have built my life from the ground up (i have a band) i still feel like i don't belong, like I'm not someone's first thought when they wake up. The thing is, I really need to control someone. I need to decide life or death onto a human being. I'm really not kidding when i say i wish i could have my own personal slave who obeys at every order i give and because of it i hate myself. I'm sorry if this post is confusing and all mixed up, I'm currently crying and I'm writing as much as i possibly can. I've always felt this need to control people, in every aspect of their life. The thought of having the life of a human being at my complete disposal amuses me in a way i cannot put into words. Because of this i really hate myself but i can't find a way to stop. I've tried everything, this is my last resort. I've considered suicide multiple times

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