2. I literally spend my waking hours more dead than sleeping : stressLess-life

I literally spend my waking hours more dead than sleeping

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I’m 25 and feel deeply stuck in life. My biggest issues are shame, avoidance, overthinking, emotional overwhelm, fear of judgment, and a long-term pattern of not really building a life because deep down I never expected to have one.

A huge part of my problem is that I’ve spent years mentally organizing my life around the idea that I would eventually die by suicide, so I never truly committed to a future. Because of that, I didn’t build much structure, discipline, career direction, intimacy, or self-trust. I often started things, but didn’t follow through. I lied to people, avoided reality, stayed vague about my future, and distracted myself constantly. Now I’m at an age where adulthood is confronting me hard, and I feel deeply behind in career, relationships, social development, and identity.

Shame feels like the core of my personality. It’s not just that I feel ashamed sometimes. It’s more like I built my whole identity around shame and self-punishment. I often feel like I don’t deserve comfort, ease, growth, love, or a normal future. Even when I imagine improving, some part of me feels like I still need to be deprived of something important because I deserve punishment.

I also have a severe fear of being “seen,” especially being judged harshly, exposed, or looked down on. This can happen with men my age, but it gets much more intense around women, especially women my age or attractive women. Eye contact, casual conversation, or even just being perceived can trigger panic, self-hatred, and a deep feeling of inferiority. I often act detached or avoidant in social situations because I’m trying to avoid feeling exposed. I think a lot of this comes from childhood bullying, helplessness, and years of blaming myself for being mistreated.

I also have a pattern where I overanalyze myself, my trauma, my future, and my psychology until I mentally spiral and break down. Then I usually go numb, avoid everything, and stop caring for a while. Then the cycle repeats.

Another important part is that I’ve become deeply attached to fantasy and escapism because reality has felt emotionally unbearable for a long time. Fantasizing, scrolling, porn, cigarettes, and other distractions have often functioned as ways to not feel like myself. Fantasy has sometimes felt like the only place where I can feel like a person. Real life often feels like humiliation, pressure, judgment, and exposure.

I also feel like I’ve become someone who is starving for deep human understanding while also being unable to trust people enough to be vulnerable. I don’t really have anyone in my life I can fully talk to. Even my closest friendships feel surface-level. I crave very deep, emotionally safe connection, but I’m terrified of being known because I feel like my “real self” is too shameful, weak, damaged, or contaminated to be accepted.

One of the hardest things I’m dealing with is that I genuinely don’t know how to imagine a future for myself in a way that feels emotionally believable. I can logically understand that life can improve, but emotionally I often feel like I’m standing on nothing because I never practiced being someone who expected to live, build, love, work, or become.

If anyone has genuinely dealt with something like this, I’d really appreciate practical or psychologically honest insight.

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