2. How do you learn to love the villain & not give up? : stressLess-life

How do you learn to love the villain & not give up?

I'm still on this journey, but question if I've made and real progress.

I'm not doing my best work in my 4 year relationship, and I continue to fail. I struggle to take accountability and communicate how I feel (the worst relationship nightmare, I know. I don't deserve to be in one.)

Why, when I hear how my partner is frustrated and tells me his needs, it falls on deaf ears? It feels like: I care, but I can't change. WTF is that...

I can't turn for help because I'm the exact people they tell you to avoid in healing and spiritual spaces. I feel like I'm one off from being a narcissist at this point. I don't belong where healing is had. I'm not welcomed in those spaces because no one relates to being the monster (or won't talk about it.)

I don't want a lecture, I need guidance. I'm too self- aware for my own good. Why can't I heal?

I should just be alone forever. It'd save everyone, especially my partner, the drama and heartache. I've stopped believing I'm worth it.

Why do I get triggered simply from someone wanting to go deeper with me? what am I afraid of? what am I avoiding? I say I want connection but am the most emotionally unavailable person. Everytime we try to talk about it, it blows up and we get nowhere. I hate being me.

I don't believe I deserve to say I, "Love him" because then I wouldn't be this way. I'm scared to allow myself because I just think I'm a POS liar. I struggle to fight for it because anyone would be better than me imo.

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