2. I want to move on but I do not know how : stressLess-life

I want to move on but I do not know how

false

I am sorry this post is so long, but I need help more than I can explain right now.

It has been nine months since the breakup and I still wake up with a heavy chest that never really gets lighter. This is not just sadness anymore. It is exhaustion. It is loving someone who is not here and having nowhere to put that love. It is carrying something that refuses to fade.

We have been in no contact for nine months. Sometimes she messages me, maybe twice a month. And it messes with me more than I can explain. We used to talk every day, every hour, about everything. She was part of my life constantly. Now there is silence, and those small messages only reopen wounds that never closed. It feels strange. Empty. Draining.

Distance was part of why things ended, but it was mostly her trauma and the emotional blocks she says she carries. I know distance is difficult. I understand reality. But when you love someone this deeply, distance feels so small compared to losing them. That is what breaks me. Especially because distance existed in her previous six year relationship too. So I do not know what to think anymore.

Sometimes I hate myself for being far away. I hate that I am not closer. I hate that maybe someone nearby could be easier for her. Simpler. Less complicated. I wonder if she would rather choose that life than choose me. Sometimes it even feels like she would rather lose me entirely than face everything she feels. And maybe one day she will only realize my value when I am truly gone. People sometimes only understand what they had after they lose it.

It is very clear to me that she is emotionally unavailable right now. And knowing that someone so incredible was hurt by someone horrible and became someone wounded because of it is devastating. Everything about that feels unfair. I hate it. I hate that damage stays long after the person who caused it leaves. And sometimes I feel like if I had been closer, physically closer, everything would have been different. I hate that thought too, but it lives inside me. I am scared this will haunt me forever.

Her previous relationship lasted six years. She was treated badly, betrayed, and abandoned. It has been two years since it ended, and I know that pain still lives inside her. I understand why she has scars. But watching someone so incredible become confused and emotionally guarded because of wounds you did not create is heartbreaking.

We met in person. We shared something real. Then she moved away. She says she wants to see me. She says she burns with love for me. She says she is afraid of hurting me. And I wish so badly that things were different. I wish she would change, choose me fully, and that whatever feeling or fear she carries would disappear so we could just be together. I wanted that more than anything.

I gave everything. I loved intensely. Fully. Honestly. Sometimes I tell myself there is no one like me just to survive the insecurity. But then I see her gain new followers and follow them back, and I feel small. Replaceable. I wish I could be indifferent. I wish I did not care. Instead I keep checking. I keep thinking. I keep hurting. This is literally consuming me.

I know what people will say in the comments. Focus on yourself. Move on. Heal. Let go. I think those same things too. I tell myself those words all the time. And then I am right back stalking, right back remembering, right back missing her. It is a loop I cannot escape.

I see her in everything. In music. In things I love. In quiet moments. In memories that refuse to fade. I love her so much that it physically hurts. I am tired. Truly tired. Tired of loving someone who is not here. Tired of carrying emotions that have nowhere to go.

I want peace. I want to breathe without this weight. I want to stop feeling like my own heart is working against me.

How do you move forward when loving someone still feels this deep, this heavy, and this impossible to let go of?

submitted by /u/sophiarr2
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