2. Has anyone ever experienced something like this and if so how do you heal? : stressLess-life

Has anyone ever experienced something like this and if so how do you heal?

false

When I was a child around 6 years old I was very close with my aunt who likely has borderline personality disorder. Anyway there was one day where she was invited over to our house (possibly for Thanksgiving) but told us she wouldn't be able to make it, so my mom invited her friend instead. Part way through the visit well I was playing with my mom's friend's kids my aunt showed up and went to see me. The first thing I said to her was "You're not invited" (I'm not sure why I said that because I remember absolutely adoring her, but I recently learned that my aunt didnt like my mom's friend and my mom didn't want them both over at the same time. So my guess is I knew that that they weren't supposed to be at the house at the same time.) Anyway my aunt didn't say anything she just turned around and left. I didn't see her again until I was a teenager. I know it doesn't sound like that big of a deal but I cannot put into words how much this affected me. I thought she hated me I thought I had said something horribly awful, I thought I was horrible. I thought that she must miss my family and my family must miss her but she didn't want to visit because of me and I was keeping everyone apart. I did not know how to cope with this when I was a child. I spent a long time beating myself up over this. I remember balling my eyes out everyday feeling like a horrible child and missing her terribly. Eventually I realized I needed to move on so I pushed it out of my mind for years. My aunt is no longer mad at me. And I've seen her a few times in recent years but I don't have a close relationship with her anymore and I don't ever want to. But what happened really affected me in a way that has not gone away (I'm currently 17) It started a cycle of self hate and self blame and well I finally started learning coping skills and self compassion. This entire thing haunts me. I feel like I hurt and destroyed myself for no reason. And anytime I feel rejected there is a part of me that goes back to what happened and feels like I am some horrible thing all over again. I've never heard anyone talk about having an experience like this and I'm wondering if anyone can relate or has any insight?

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