2. The road to recovery. : stressLess-life

The road to recovery.

false

It’s cyclical. It all is. There are good days and bad. Some days things are so good, you wonder if there was ever a problem at all. You contemplate on whether or not it was even real. Then there are the bad days. The ones that are so bad, you feel like you aren’t anything. You aren’t worth the dust on the earth. You sleep and you stew. You beg for someone to save you, knowing that it won’t happen. Because there’s only one human being at the end of it all: it’s you. It’s just you. That doesn’t mean you’re alone. It doesn’t mean that you’re destined for loneliness either. It means that there’s no one else that can do the work for you. No one else that could possibly supply enough emotional weight to fix the gaps in your mindset or self worth. It just has to be you. And you can’t base that self worth on something like daily productivity. The reality is that you must establish a firm baseline of self love before the productivity and growth to really mean anything.

The daily affirmations matter, holding yourself accountable for your actions (and inaction) matters, doing what you say you’re going to do matters, committing to things when you absolutely do not want to do them matters, doing what you fear in spite of that fear matters. Because that’s how you establish your baseline. That’s how you learn to trust yourself. That’s how you learn to put faith in your own actions and abilities. It all sounds so simple, so easy. But It can be the hardest thing in the world, especially when your mind seemingly turns in on you. However…that’s also the key. Defying that voice in your head that beats you down. Recognizing that it belongs to someone who debased you and wanted you to feel lesser. Understanding that the only way to truly begin to silence it, is to act. Act in love. Not out of guilt or desperation or shame. Love.

The day I began to quiet that voice down is the day I told myself that I love myself. I listened to the voice. I listened to kick and scream in protest. I listened to it desperately screech and howl in agony, and it reverberated in my mind. It still does. Yet I honed in on it. Once I understood it, I could begin to love it too. Because it wasn’t trying to hold me back. Not intentionally. It loved me to…but it was too scared to voice that rationally. The only way it knew how to love was to adopt the mindset of the people who told me they loved me. So it degraded me and made me feel worthless, all in an effort to try and protect me from ever having to go outside of my comfort zone. The problem is…it became who I was. It became my mentality.

And that’s when I knew. I had always loved myself. I simply couldn’t express it properly. And so I started acting in defiance of that voice. Eventually…that voice in your head…it can begin to sing.

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