2. The Emptiness That Remains : stressLess-life

The Emptiness That Remains

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I cannot live without her. You must have seen me here before, and I have seen people complaining that I am always talking about her, but damn, I just need to vent. I am in a delicate moment, so I will talk about it, whether in one post or in a thousand posts.

She ended everything in July, and since then there has been a void inside me, a void that cannot be explained. She ended it because of distance, only because of distance, and because of the traumas she had before me. She had a long-distance relationship where she gave everything of herself, but he was just playing with her feelings; I even think he was a fake account. She kept loving and fighting for that person for almost five years, and if I hadn’t appeared, it probably would have been many more years. A person whose voice she had never heard, someone she had never called, nothing. She even reposted videos saying that distance was nothing when the person was worth everything, but with me it is completely different. With me, she says she loves me the same way she loved him, but I think it’s a lie because when we met she said she was obsessed with him and that she loved him very much, and I told her, and she got upset, and I apologized. I cannot force someone to choose me, but damn, how much I wanted her. You have no idea. If it weren’t for the distance, I would be with the love of my life. It’s all the distance’s fault.

I am depressed, and I know I have emotional dependence, but I genuinely do not want to live like this. Some days I tell myself I need self-love, but it lasts at most a week until I message her again because I feel strange, I feel that something is missing, and that something is her. We are so alike in everything; she makes me laugh, makes me smile, she is unique, but she is confused, and distance is the main reason. I was willing to do anything for her, and right now I am crying so much while writing this because it hurts, because I wanted to marry her, to have everything with her, to build my life with her, and I would overcome anything just to have her. It is such a strong pain in my heart that cannot even be explained. My head hurts from crying so much.

What hurts me the most in all of this is that it was the same person who said she wanted to marry me, who now decided to end everything as if it had no weight on my life. She said the most beautiful things I had ever heard, things that stayed in my head and made me believe in a future together. And it was not just talk; she really showed it, made me feel chosen, made me feel loved, made me feel enough. And now all of that is gone, and it hurts in a way I cannot explain.

I just wish she could see the things she said before, the things she shared, the phrases about love, about waiting, about fighting. I see her old posts, and it hurts because she truly loved him, really loved him, and endured years for someone who was never really there. And now with me, who was present, willing to do everything, she says she cannot because of distance and traumas.

And I stay here, not knowing why it didn’t work with me, why I was not enough, why I couldn’t be the person she would fight for as she did for him. I don’t know what to do with all of this, I don’t know where this love goes, I feel lost, empty, as if they tore a part of me away.

I miss her. I miss her voice telling me she loves me, her crying because she was afraid of losing me, her sleeping while holding her plush toy. I miss her, the incredible person she is. I miss my person, my princess.

It is horrible to love someone like this and see them pull away, not because of lack of love, but because of fear and past pain. And here I am, paying for it.

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