2. Trying to break out of my comfort zone. : stressLess-life

Trying to break out of my comfort zone.

false

There was a friend from high school that reached out to me. She’s extremely intelligent, attractive, and overall one of my bestest friends. When she talked about how pretty I was and how much she missed me, I stopped responding for a bit and it’s because it triggered an uncomfortable response in my body.

I don’t push people away because they’re the problem. I push them away because I can’t accept the fact that I may be good enough to someone else. In the past, I have had people say things to me without meaning it. Now, I completely doubt those words at all. Even from my closest of friends.

I grieve who I used to be with that person, because I was better. I had plans and I feel as if that vanished with them, but that’s only partly the truth. They took away my motivation/desire to contribute to those goals for myself. It wasn’t love. I was chasing the idea of who I was when I was with them, and I believed that version of me was so much more deserving of love than any other part of myself afterwards. However, if that was the case…wouldn’t that person I talked to have seen me for who I was?

No. Not really. I believe that form of acceptance of yourself comes from within. No one is ever really capable of proving love to you. You can invest you life into a project and the real love comes from you having the ability to stay disciplined with yourself. The only time people praise you is whenever they see the end product, but the person who is stuck sitting in the dark in the quiet at certain moments? That is you. And you deserve to fill that room up with warmth, lights, everything to make you feel like those days aren’t the end. Only a new beginning to something more fulfilling. It’s always okay to start over.

It’s been going really well. I’ve been setting stricter boundaries and instead of it being as hard an resentful as it usually is, I am enjoying it. I would usually find it hard to control my emotions and how I’d react to the shift, but it’s a lot easier now. I think I just had to build myself up to a point where I was tired of not being considered. I don’t argue with people and even when I’m cursed at, or yelled at, I am not provoked to react the same way anymore. This is a really huge step for me. I thought my anger would rule my life for the longest time, because of my family and the way they are conditioned to react to conflict, but I am successfully teaching myself to stem away from that. And that is all I’ve wanted. I just truthfully wanted to stop feeling angry, not in the way where you announce it to everyone. But in the way where when conflict actually happens and people turn to you, you know that they know they’re someone you can trust on. That means so much to me. I want to be that person and I will be.

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