2. I can't stop hating myself : stressLess-life

I can't stop hating myself

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I can't stop hating myself. My life is GREAT. 27M, in a master's degree in Europe. I'm healthy, pretty good looking, smart and outgoing. I wasn't always this person, and I'm still far from perfect but most people see me as an overall great person. Somehow, I've felt inadequate pretty much my whole life. I put myself down constantly. I have a very hard time being proud of myself. I always have something that I feel a terrible pressure from: my looks not being enough, being too loud or too quiet, not being interesting, not doing X enough or doing Y too much. It truly is constant. I go to the gym, I study decently hard and get good grades, I read fiction daily, I cook nutritious and tasty meals, I take care of my basic needs the vast majority of the time. And yet, I spend at least 50% of my alone time thinking about how worthless I am, and when I'm with classmates I usually have 5 minutes of feeling good, 5 minutes of feeling completely inadequate and unworthy of attention (the imposter syndrome is HEAVY), repeating until I'm alone. I'm on SSRIs and it's still constantly there. A huge trigger is women, unfortunately. When I see a woman that catches my eye, I immediately think that she will never consider me in a romantic way, and even if she did, I would never have the courage to approach or the wittiness to interest her, and even if she was interested, she would, one day or another, realize that I am worthless and leave. I'm not kidding when I say that this sequence flashes through me in ~30 seconds maybe once a day on average. Yet, I feel an extreme pressure to date, to meet women, to have a relationship: people around me are settling down, and I really fear that failing to meet someone in the next couple of years will result in me digging myself deep into a hole of loneliness and self hatred that I will never get out of. Obviously, I have a serious problem feeling so much worthlessness so constantly, but for the most part I function normally (probably a lot to do with the medication). I did self harm last year, nothing since, but I think about it sometimes. I have regular flashes in my mind of me hanging myself with my belt, and I think about jumping in front of trains sometimes, but I have never come close to what could be considered a "suicide attempt". I saw a therapist for 3 years and learned a lot of strategies and truths that I understand but cannot apply to myself. I can apply them to others, friends and family, but not to myself and my own life and my own struggles. Now that I'm abroad I'm seeing my school therapist, and it's helpful to speak to someone about my anxieties of starting my new program, meeting people, etc. I've spoken about how I feel worthless in front of women. This issue though, of constant self hatred, is really hard to address because it's so general, so ever -present, that I wonder what therapy can really do for me I made this post partly to organize my thoughts, partly to see if anyone else has a similar issue, partly because I don't have a clue what I should do at this point. Fuck. Help? :(

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