2. What to do when you feel ugly and unattractive, and how to heal this wound that you have about feeling unattractive and unworthy of love : stressLess-life
What to do when you feel ugly and unattractive, and how to heal this wound that you have about feeling unattractive and unworthy of love
falseWhen we are born in this world, we don't come out in the world thinking that we are ugly. Believing that you are unattractive or ugly is learned, and it is learned from our parents, our society, the people around us, and social media.
The reason why so many of us have this belief that we're not attractive enough is because appearance is one of the easiest things that you can blame on why you feel unworthy of love. So a lot of people fixate on their appearance because they believe that once they have the perfect appearance, they will finally be worthy of love again.
But if you really question this belief, you will see that it is not true. The reason why you believe that you are unattractive or ugly is because you had an experience in your childhood where you were rejected, or you were made to feel unworthy of love due to your appearance.
Society praises beauty and looks down upon those who are not a part of the beauty standard. It's really easy to be indoctrinated with this belief that you're not worthy enough because you are ugly.
Most likely, if you have a belief that you're unworthy of love because you're not attractive enough, you probably have beliefs about other parts of yourself and why they are not enough. Like maybe you don't make enough money, or you don't have a job, maybe you don't have enough friends. Maybe you think your personality is annoying or not good enough.
If you really examine your beliefs, you will learn that you feel unworthy of love, but finding a reason for why you are that way gives you some sort of control. This is the way that our brain, our ego, likes to operate, because it likes to find problems so it can try to fix it and therefore feel like you have more control over the situation on why you're not lovable enough.
The thing with identifying from this place of the ego is, even if you fix the problem, it will find more problems, and it will be a never-ending cycle of finding problems, fixing it, and rinse and repeat until you realize that the way that you feel about yourself and the way that you feel unworthy of love are not feelings that you need to fix, but rather they are parts of ourselves that we learn to truly, deeply understand and to sit with.
It is to really acknowledge the pain that this part of yourself went through and to truly, unconditionally love yourself, regardless of whatever happens to your appearance, regardless of whatever happens to your job, however many friends you have, everything that you attach your worthiness of love towards.
You let it all go. You release it, and you tell yourself "Regardless of whatever happens, I will love you unconditionally. I will be there with myself."
"I understand that you are in a lot of pain right now because you feel ugly and you feel like you're not good enough, and your feelings are valid. I will be here with you as long as you need to cry it out together."
Regardless of whatever you look like, regardless of whatever happens to your appearance, you choose to love yourself unconditionally because you understand that your worthiness of love does not come from your appearance.
At core, you are love itself, and although your feelings about how you feel about your appearance are valid, it's not the objective truth.
When you release this pain and this wound that you have about your appearance, you will realize and you will remember all the times that you were given love regardless of whatever you look like, and you will remember that it was never about your appearance. It was just something that was easy and convenient to blame in a moment of profound pain and turmoil.
When we have a part of ourselves that attacks ourselves for being ugly, we need to also understand that this part of ourselves is born from that same wound, the same part of ourselves that feels hurt because we feel that we're not attractive enough. So instead of trying to censor or fix this part of yourself, it's important to approach it with compassion, because really, the part of yourself that attacks you for being ugly is really hurt because they feel ugly, and they're trying to fix the situation so you don't have to feel that way again.
When you realize and notice that this part of yourself was just in so much pain and turmoil because they feel ugly, you can begin to empathize with this part of yourself, and you really acknowledge the pain that this part of yourself went through without dismissing it or suppressing it.
So you don't dismiss your feelings by telling yourself that you are beautiful, and when you have truly sat with this pain and it begins to heal itself, you will find that you attach to your appearance less.
Rather than hyper-fixating on your appearance and worrying about whether you are lovable or not, you begin to allow yourself to live your life, and you let go of the attachment to the belief that your appearance is the most important thing when it comes to your worthiness of love. You realize that you are worthy of love exactly as you are, and that will never change.
Even if you grow old and wrinkly and start balding and get white hairs, you are still lovable exactly as you are. When you really root yourself in that truth, you will begin to see all the truly, deeply wonderful, lovable parts of yourself that you genuinely appreciate.
You notice the truly, most important parts of yourself - like how beautiful your heart is when you love, how you react to the things that bring you joy, how you dance when you eat something yummy, and how deeply beautiful your heart is, with your capacity to feel things so deeply.
When you heal this wound that you have about feeling ugly, it doesn't mean that you won't feel ugly ever again for the rest of your life. You may have moments when you feel ugly, but you understand that it's just a feeling, and it will pass exactly the same as every other feeling. When you acknowledge it, accept it, and release it, it will dissolve, and you realize that it does not define you, and it does not define who you are.
My experience with this wound took a long time to heal, and I still feel ugly on some days, such as the luteal phase, if you know, you know. But instead of criticizing myself and being like, “Oh man, I look so nasty and ugly,” instead of doing that, I try to offer myself compassion through that experience, and ride the wave of that feeling until it dissolves. I try my best not to let it stop me from truly enjoying my life and having fun with it.
Before I started all this work, I used to feel so ugly that I couldn't go to sleep at night, but now I appreciate myself, and I love myself exactly as I am. I love the part of myself that thinks I'm ugly because I know she was just in a lot of pain, and she just wants that validation that she is lovable no matter what.
I guess to wrap up, I'll give a quick summary: when you feel ugly and unattractive and unworthy of love because of it, the way through that situation, the way through that feeling, is by acknowledging the pain that you felt about feeling unattractive and unworthy of love. You shift your attention inwards to what sort of feelings you're experiencing in that moment, and you stay there with yourself, and you observe these parts of yourself that are in pain.
Remember that your worth is not dependent on anything in the external, and even if you don't feel that way, you are worthy of love. That does not change. Once you have enough practice releasing attachment to this part of yourself and your self-worth, you will realize that it's just another feeling, the same as every other one, that just comes and goes, and that it is not the truth.
TLDR: When you start spiraling because you feel ugly/unworthy of love, instead of trying to fix the feeling or avoid it, show compassion and love to this part of yourself feeling this fear of rejection/abandonment/unworthiness. It will pass, and the more you heal this wound, the less you start attaching to your appearance as a measure of your self worth, because it shifts internally to this loving aspect of you that witnesses these parts, not the wounded parts themselves.
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