2. How can I cope with knowing I'm not perfect in relationships : stressLess-life

How can I cope with knowing I'm not perfect in relationships

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This is sort of long-winded so I'm sorry. It just feels all tangled up inside.

One problem I have a lot is feeling like I'm only worthy of relationships (romantic or platonic) if I am always likeable and nobody can ever find anything to criticize about my personality/what kind of a friend/partner I am. That if there ever is something to criticize, that puts the love people have for me in peril.

I realize this is unreasonable and that I've got my own flaws just like everyone. That I can't expect myself to be infallible and that even the people that love me most will have their annoyances with me from time to time. I can accept that on paper. But every time I am faced with it, I spiral. I feel like an absolutely worthless person who should withdraw from society until she can sanitize herself into a flawless being.

Often, my insecurities surrounding this are related to the fact that I am and have always been an extremely emotional person. I've done tons and tons of work on not blindly reacting to my emotions and I am proud of how I navigate hard things. But when I get upset about something, I need to spend a period of time being genuinely, thoroughly upset about it before I can move towards any productive sort of communication or problem-solving. Usually, this looks like crying and sobbing and not being able to stop.

I described myself to my partner as a bit of a crybaby when we first met and the way I like to describe myself to him and to other people is something along the lines of "I can handle hard things, but I'm gonna cry about it first." I've gotten to a place where I'm okay with needing to cry a lot. But on days when my partner is trying to comfort me through something painful and I've been crying all day off and on, the insecurity rises again.

Yesterday was a bad day. I have been job hunting with little progress since I graduated college in May and had finally gotten a job offer, then found out yesterday that offer had been rescinded because they just quite literally changed their minds on who they wanted to hire even after they had given me a start date and a preliminary training schedule. I spent most of the day crying out of anger, disappointment, anxiety about being unemployed and not having much left in my savings, and preemptive exhaustion because this means I have to dive into the endlessly discouraging process of job hunting all over again from square one. My partner was being sweet and comforting me, not making me feel bad about being torn up about it at all.

However, after crying off and on about it for a few hours, I started just getting insecure about how emotional I was being and how I wasn't ready to buck up and move on from the feelings stage yet. So I made the dumb dumb choice to ask my partner, point-blank, "Does it ever get annoying that I cry so much?"

He went silent for like fifteen seconds, during which time my heart sank all the way into my stomach and I started feeling nauseous. I've had an insecurity about annoying the people around me for years because when I was younger I really struggled to make friends and I had a toxic friend at the time who would tell me it was because I was annoying. Finally, he said, "Annoying is too strong a word, but sometimes when you're pretty drunk and you get emotional, it gets a bit tiresome. Like it keeps going for awhile after I would have let it go."

I asked him point-blank and he answered it point-blank. And he wasn't unkind about it, just honest. I'm not upset that he was honest and I'd much rather know than not know. But God, the wave of absolute self-loathing that flooded me in that moment.... Especially since I had just spent three-ish hours crying to him on-and-off about not getting this job (I had not been drinking).

I can't shake it -- "tiresome." The man I love finds me tiresome when I get overemotional. And I get overemotional so much. It's taken me years to stop suppressing how I feel and to try and let my emotions move through me at their own pace. And the result is being tiresome to be around. It feels especially shitty because I have struggled with suppressing my bad thoughts and feelings during our relationship and not being transparent about when I'm not doing well, and he's spent the past several months trying help me shift that and get me to feel more comfortable being genuinely emotional in front of him and communicating openly about how I feel. Which I was scared to do because I was scared of being too much or too tiring to be around... Because I know exactly how much I cry on a regular basis and I felt like I'm too much... And I finally was starting to trust that maybe he doesn't feel that way and maybe I can be authentically messy with him. But now I know that being authentically messy makes me tiresome.

My immediate impulses are to A) withdraw from him for several days while I beat myself up and start training myself to suppress everything again, B) refuse to ever drink alcohol around him again so that I'll never get drunk-emotional, and C) stop being honest with him about my feelings.

My wise mind says that everyone gets annoyed with their partner sometimes and that's normal and okay, that he still clearly values how I feel and cares about giving me the space to sort out my emotions even when it's not easy. But I don't care about that because of that word. "Tiresome." How could he love someone who is tiresome, my brain asks? If you're tiresome, he'll lose affection eventually and leave, it adds. And I just can't cope with it. The self-loathing is so high, because sometimes when I am drunk and I get sad, it gets a bit tiresome.

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