2. I lost the love of my life, but I needed to find myself. I don’t know if I’ll ever come back from this. : stressLess-life

I lost the love of my life, but I needed to find myself. I don’t know if I’ll ever come back from this.

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So, I’ve been in a relationship for the past 7 years. We started as friends with benefits — no commitments, no labels, just wild freedom. Neither of us was looking for love at the time. But we clicked instantly. The connection was undeniable — emotionally, physically, mentally. Everything just flowed like it was meant to be. It felt like love I’d never known before.

Eventually, we hid our relationship from her family and continued to grow together — laughing, loving, living freely. Then life took a turn. My family business crashed. Everything fell apart. We had to sell everything and start from zero. I was at rock bottom, and I didn’t want her to carry that burden with me. I gave her an out, told her she didn’t have to stay in a life that had suddenly become so uncertain.

But she stayed. She stood by me through it all. She helped me build my business from scratch. She supported me when I had nothing — emotionally, creatively, practically. She was my rock, my biggest cheerleader.

But over time, a strange pressure started to grow. I began to feel like I owed her everything. That her love and help came with an invisible price — not because she demanded anything, but because of my own guilt. I started to feel trapped in this mental loop of “I must repay her” instead of just loving her freely.

And I’ve always been an open-minded person. I see the world for what it is — messy, real, flawed. People fall out of love, people cheat, people get bored. I never wanted that for us. I wanted to be honest about who I was and what I felt. I believed that if I had certain desires or fantasies, we could face them together — not hide them.

I shared a fantasy with her. I told her I wanted to explore sexuality in a more open way. Maybe even try something like involving other couples. At first, she agreed. But when the moment came, it backfired. And suddenly I felt like a monster. A pervert. Like I’d corrupted the one pure thing in my life.

And yet, these feelings — they are a part of me. I don’t know why I have them, but I do. I’ve only ever been with her. And while I love her, I can’t deny that there’s a part of me that wants to explore. I don’t see sex and love as the same thing — though they can overlap. I wanted to explore with her, not behind her back. I thought we could be open, honest, and curious together.

But it crushed her. And eventually, it crushed us.

We finally broke up. I told her I needed time to find myself. I’ve tried the spiritual path — meditation, self-reflection, the whole inner journey. But there’s also a very human side of me that craves experience, color, variety. I’m not proud of the confusion inside me, but it’s real. And ignoring it only made me more unhappy.

She was the most selfless person I’ve ever known. And maybe I was selfish. Maybe I broke something too precious, something sacred. I still don’t know.

The truth is: I’m stuck. I don’t have money figured out. I don’t have my future figured out. And emotionally, I’ve been lost for a long time. I feel like I’ve lost the love of my life… and I don’t know if I’ll ever get her back — or even deserve to.

But I couldn’t keep living a lie, not to her, not to myself.

Maybe I am broken. Maybe I’ll heal. Maybe I’ll grow from this. Or maybe this was my one shot at love and I blew it.

I don’t know why I’m sharing this. I guess I just needed to get it out. If you’ve read this far, thank you for listening.

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