2. Being a relationship virgin into adulthood was never anything I or anybody should have judged myself for. : stressLess-life
Being a relationship virgin into adulthood was never anything I or anybody should have judged myself for.
falsetl;dr at the bottom
When I learned to love myself before anybody else, overcoming the cards I was dealt since childhood that nobody could teach me how to play with, I learned something - not only do I deserve to be loved with out judgment, but I deserved to seek it from someone even if they were more experienced.
I went most of my life up until this point without having a relationship. My partner and I are now talking about getting married and making plans for the future. She's a little older than I am and more experienced than I am, but praised me for being able to be vulnerable, communicative, honest, and goal-oriented for us both.
The reason I am talking about this is because many of us who were relationship virgins into our adult life get shamed and told that we are more flawed than the average person out there, and define our attractiveness based on the presence of someone else in our life.
And that view is just plain ignorant and a projection of someone's insecurity. By all means, some things like communication, sex, realistic expectations are key to a relationship, and are skills we must practice and refine.
However many of us for one, have had our own set of relationships with another, that never went further to a title. They lasted varying lengths of time and to different depths, and I will dare say that for many of us, those feelings we had had just as much if not more depth than a lot of "serious" relationships with that title.
Shoot, there are many marriages in which those things people value and want the most, are just plain absent, especially when you choose to settle.
We all had our reasons for being single. Childhood trauma from all sorts of abuse, controlling parents, all manner of illness, or focusing entirely on a career. I myself had to overcome disability and severe mental and life-threatening physical illness, (which took most of my hearing and a lot of my vision).
These experiences gave us a valuable insight into life and ourselves, that we wouldn't have otherwise had. It taught us our worth, our tenacity, and a courage to continue life by daring to say and believe that we are enough. These are things that we take into our relationships.
Therapy for one is extremely valuable. Men are especially dismissive of therapy and I find that such a shame. We ALL need therapy. We all have traumas or even areas we can improve upon regardless the cause. Being aware of that will only improve our relationships.
The most important relationship we have is the one we have withourselves. People in all manner of relationships don't know who they are, expect their lover to do the "discovering who I am," for them, or just flat out expect someone else to raise them. What a terrible way to treat your partner and leave yourself disappointed down the road.
I will acknowledge also that being a sexual virgin can be disappointing to someone who needs that physical element in that relationship moreso than others. Misconceptions about sex are disappointing and I get not wanting to teach someone. I wasn't a virgin going into my first relationship, and I had my own insecurities specifically about having sex on many occasions, but never making love.
Let's be honest however. These things are not exclusive to relationship virgins. You have men who feel insecure about their size even though many men women do not mind - what a partner wants is chemistry and connection. Many men from what I've seen look at pornography as a normal depiction of sex, and they ask their partners. These include wanting their partners body to be uncomfortably hairless, the absence of stretch marks, skin without blemishes, and being perfectly toned. Let's also consider wanting activities your partner is uncomfortable with, disregarding your partners boundaries, and believing they don't care about your needs.
TL;DR
There are plenty of people who are in relationships that are really bad at things like communication, realistic expectations, emotional intelligence, and backwards views of what a relationship should be. Somebody who comes in with a blank slate is just as loveable and just as deserving of a chance. We are all unique individuals with our own work in progress story.
Therapy, building and acknowledging your self-worth, taking ownership of one's life, emotional intelligence, and putting in the work for both you and your partner is what matters most, especially over time when the effort you put in or didn't put in to learn better starts to show.
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