2. Struggling with feeling worthy enough for self love after being betrayed : stressLess-life

Struggling with feeling worthy enough for self love after being betrayed

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Long post with a bit of backstory. Coming out of a relationship that's really sent my head spinning and my heart crashing. We'd talked about marriage, where we'd honeymoon, and she'd even sent me an engagement ring inspiration pic and a budget of how much I could spend. She said at the end of the year that she was moving to another city for a new job and career, but that it wouldn't be a bad change for us. Right till the end, she said she loved me and wanted a future with me. She promised the world for us, and I supported her during the moving process as much as I could as she was struggling with overwhelm and her mental health. She would always talk to me about the traumatic stuff she had gone through, and would tell me the ways I showed up for her made her cry. I was more than happy to be there for her, and assumed that meant we were on solid ground.

As soon as she moved in January, she pivoted. Said we needed space after I wanted to have a conversation about what we'd look like doing long distance, but that she still loved me. Two weeks in, I find out independently that she's moved in with someone she had history with and had spent months badmouthing to me during our relationship. I bought her excuses at first that she wasn't alone with him and only moved in with him and his sister due to high housing costs, but that she wanted us just to be friends for now. I was willing to believe the best of her because I couldn't believe the person I loved would do this, especially because I offered just to be friends to her three times before the move. I did that because something felt off, and when I asked she didn't say yes or no - just avoided the conversations entirely. A week after her message, I found proof by accident that he was calling her his girlfriend and I totally cut her off and named it betrayal. It's been two months, and I haven't reached out since.

I still blame myself and have urges to soften my boundary. I still wonder if I could have done something differently, if I was too much, why she chose him over me. If I misinterpreted the situation and hurt someone I cared deeply for. It's making it hard to move on, because I fear that I've missed something that would absolve her and make me the bad guy. My family, friends, and therapist all have said I made the right call, but I still worry.

Additionally, I feel like she saw what I've always been afraid of - that I'm fundamentally weak and pathetic and unworthy of love. The fact that she tried to ask me to be friends with her after I found out who she was living with and bookended it with a plea that she "loved me dearly and desperately didn't want to lose me as a part of her life" hit particularly hard. I hope I didn't hurt someone who just needed help, but that also makes me feel like all I'm good for to my friends and family is as a support system. People keep me around and tap into me for how I can be present for them and help them, not for me as a person.

Honestly, I'm caught between blaming myself and being embarrassed and ashamed that I'm blaming myself in the first place because I fear I'm missing the huge, obvious neon signs that all of my family and friends can clearly see. I hate disharmony in relationships, but this is making me realize that I put up with a lot in the name of preserving harmony and I'd like to work on that. I want to move on, but I also want to heal the parts of me that let someone run roughshod over me so severely.

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