2. One year on, better but still broken : stressLess-life
One year on, better but still broken
falseTW mention of suicide / mental health issues . .
I have been on a self love journey for about 6 months or so. It’s been the most eye opening, cringe yet also deeply rewarding experience of my life. I have only just started and sometimes my brain does a number on me and I return to my old ways of thinking (overly self critical, shut down etc) but when I’m having a good day , I can see the progress I’ve made and it almost feels like my mind has expanded to understand a new way of thinking and being.
Twelve months ago my partner (of 8-9 months) and I spent the weekend together and by the end of that weekend , they woke me up (on a day where we had plans) packed their shit and left. I never saw them again. They said very little to me and looked right through me like I didn’t exist. For context; We had had an argument the week before which was one of the first we’d ever had and they completely shut me out for a week and told me that they wanted a break. I was shocked by this response as even though the experience of fighting wasn’t good for either of us - I was surprised by their reaction as I thought we’d work on it. After talking on the phone a few times they seemed more themselves but said that they wanted more space on the weekends going forward (we spend every weekend together mostly) and I agreed.
We planned to see each other on Sunday and then spend the bank holiday together. They decided to alter this plan closer to the time as their housemate was having rowdy parties all weekend so they asked if they could stay at mine all weekend instead. I was a little taken aback as they’d originally requested space but I was equally thrilled to spend more time with them since I hadn’t seen them in ages.
My mental health wasn’t the best at this time as I had started taking new meds (meaning my mood was low at times) but I wanted to take them out on a date day on Sunday so up until then , every thing was relatively normal except they were complaining of migraines - which is something that they often have/get. Looking back, I wasn’t my best self the morning of the date but i insisted I still wanted to take them out for fun plans and then to dinner.
We went to bed as normal but I was feeling tired so I fell asleep quite quickly (another side effect of the meds) The next day they left. I was completely and utterly blindsided.
I asked them before they walked out when I could talk to them again and they said maybe in a few months but they ‘don’t know’ I was left feeling very confused and devastated by their treatment of me.
We had one more phone call since that time (where they were acting very weird - saying they loved and missed me but I also could go and ‘get with someone else if I wanted’ We agreed that we would meet after a few weeks to talk and I was hopeful.
Before that time came around, they blindsided me once again (I know now I shouldn’t have engaged in the conversation in hindsight as I was being breadcrumbed ) and then broke up with me for good via text saying that we are incompatible and they have to work on not being suicidal and that they wouldn’t be in contact with me ever again.
This was what broke me. My life fell apart and all my old abandonment wounds came to the surface. My best and most significant and happiest relationship fell apart at the seams and I lost someone who I thought was my soulmate.
I also became suicidal and nearly took my own life due to the pain I felt after they broke up with me. I nearly was sectioned. I went to hospital a number of times.
I was doing therapy, upped my meds and cried every day - I was a shell of a human being. After awhile, I realised that I had completely abandoned myself during the relationship and it gave me further insight that , due to years of shame and trauma, I wasn’t really present In my body and almost felt like I was watching my life behind a window/glass pane - totally disconnected and disassociated from reality for as long as I can remember. Not to say I wasn’t giving consent or I didn’t recall events - because I did , but there was something that clicked for me when I realised this.
This, as you can imagine was a huge bombshell for me and I’ve been doing Mentalisation therapy since March. After engaging with so many other mental health services and not really getting anywhere or making much progress - I went in to it quite skeptical. However , after a few weeks , I realised how relevant and helpful the content was. It felt like I was rewiring my brain.
Since my break up, life has been extremely difficult. I wish I could say I was thriving but it’s not the case at all.
I was at risk of deportation due to a visa issue, I lost all my money paying for solicitors and I have zero savings and had to leave my job. I have tried to date again with very little success and that has also eaten away at my confidence, I put on tonnes of weight because of my meds which had made it even harder to love myself.
Fortunately, I felt like a reached a new turning point of healing in January and I can’t really explain why as my life circumstances haven’t really changed but it meant I was in a good head space to receive the content from my therapy group and I’m grateful for that.
I guess why I’m sharing my story is because I don’t hear or read a lot of stories like mine. I’ve always thought I am an anxious attachment type and I think that’s still somewhat true - however, I never thought how I was avoidant with myself - it never occurred to me to even consider whether I trusted myself or even liked my own company - every time I get into a relationship I would hyper focus on the other person so much it would become detrimental to the other person and most importantly, myself. I realised that I get completely lost in my relationships and rarely make space for myself of my needs as I thought that I didn’t matter.
I’m still struggling all the time and life is far from perfect but i hope with time i will heal from my break up and i will feel unburdened by what i have gone through.
If you’re having a hard time with self love right now , i see you and i am proud of you! Keep going! x
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