2. I feel alone, can't stay with my own company : stressLess-life

I feel alone, can't stay with my own company

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My(25) gf (25) broke up with me last year in September. After that we were still in touch and I was hoping that things will be better soon. But this year in January she said that she can't move on. After that life has been downhill. She was my sole support system and now it is gone. I feel suicidal and I have tried to commit suicide last week, but I couldn't do it at that time. Now, I'm back at square one feeling the same thing, I don't have it in me to continue this life on my own. I feel alone, I have felt that my whole life until she came into my life and now she's gone. We were together for approx two years and lived in together for 1.5 years.

I grew up in a toxic family. My mother was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive to me. On top of this, my mother had multiple affairs since I was a kid and I grew up hiding that from my father because they already fought a lot and I didn't want them to give another reason. When I was old enough, I confronted my mother and she gaslighted me for this. I was also attracted to my mother, my brain was fucked up. I molested my cousin(s) when I was in my teens and I hate myself for that. I can't forgive myself for that and there are days when I can't stop thinking about that I gave trauma to someone because I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end.

I also have sexual OCD and I get sexual thoughts about anyone around me, it's out of my control, but I don't act on these thoughts. Besides this my relationship dynamics with girls around me have been weird.

I fucked up my relationship, the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm conflicted about my breakup. I acknowledge my fault but I think I'm being punished a lot for that.

How the breakup happened? In 2024 November, I went on a one week office trip and I didn't call my partner one day from morning till evening, it was because I was just hanging out and playing games with my friends. On evening, I called her and she asked why I didn't call her, and I said that yeah, it's my fault, I should have. This made her thought that I'm not prioritising her. The next day, same thing happened, but it was because I messed up something at my work and I was trying to fix some issue, shit scared that my boss will scream at me. In evening, she called and she was angry at me for not checking up on her again. But, I had my reason that day. Still, she thought that I didn't prioritise her that time. During this office trip I noticed that a girl talked to me and I liked the attention from her. I was very skeptical about this and asked myself why did that happen. After one week, I went back and told my partner this incident. She was heartbroken about this and she thought that I didn't prioritise her but had time for some other girl, she was taking it out of context. I genuinely felt guilty about it and I didn't know why it happened at the first place. I thought a lot about it, but couldn't find anything. Now, if I wanted to hide this incident, I could have but I'm not that person, I wanted an honest relationship with my partner and I was actually feeling guilty about this. But never I was prioritising some other person over my partner.

After three months, I went back again on a office trip for one week. This time, I called her regularly and checked up on her. Mid week, we had an office party and I mentioned that I would be in that party and I really wanted to enjoy that because after that I wouldn't be at a party or anything cause I would be going home, a very small town. During the party she called me, I picked up the call and she was feeling alone, I talked her through it, stayed on the call for about an hour and then we disconnected. Next day, she was furious because I didn't prioritise her. I told her that I talked to you for one hour, how can she say that I didn't prioritise her, to which she said that my mind was at two places, at the call and in the party. To which, I agree. So, I apologized and said that yeah, you needed me and I was not there completely. This was one major incident in our relationship.

Now, coming to the September 2024. I had a new acquaintance(Let's call her A) who I wanted to meet on a certain day. Now, A didn't pick up her call, so we didn't get to meet. Now, I reached back home at around night and I got a text and call from A. I was happy seeing her call and there was a smile on my face when I picked her call. My partner was devastated looking at this. She was right to feel that because I liked the attention of A. My partner asked when did it start, I said that I noticed it a month ago but I suppressed it and it never came out until now. She felt that I emotionally cheated her. But, I feel that I didn't. Upon thinking a lot on this issue, I feel that it is some kind of external validation from women. But, my partner broke up for this reason. I tried to explain her that it's nothing, I never did anything, she read my texts with A and didn't find anything suspicious,not even a character off place. I begged her to stay, but she broke up and now I'm left here, thinking that I cheated on someone, I am doubting myself. I would never cheat because growing up I saw my mom cheating and I got cheated on in my previous relationship.

Yet, I feel that I lost the best thing that could ever happen to a broken soul like me and I'm conflicted about this. I'm also feeling angry about this because I think she is taking this way out of proportion but she says that she can't get the picture out of her and she's imagining me with that girl. I said that we can try to fix this(my issue of liking the attention and her picture in mind) together, and with time this picture will go out of her head. But she's reluctant on the breakup.

How do I move on? How do I get the will to live?

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