2. I want to, but how to start? : stressLess-life

I want to, but how to start?

false

I've never really loved myself. My mother didn't love me. My siblings bullied me. My dad got a new wife when I was 17 and she told him to choose her or his family and we'll they're happy traveling the world and what not. My grandparents who basically raised me told me to pretend like they don't exist when I started standing up for myself. I was raised to always let everything go and not be upset by this or that. My mother causing problems or fights with me. Actually provoking a reaction from me. Since i was a kid, my siblings calling me names and teasing me when I would start crying after my mother would tell me that my dad didn't love me enough to rescue me from her. Started staying up for myself and it cost me my entire family. Still the best decision I made. Less stress from walking on eggshells for strangers that call themselves family.

I've had good relationships then I've had nightmare relationships.

My last relationship was the only time I really started loving myself. He made me feel worthy of love and I got into this mindset that I love this man so much I want to love the things he loves and he loved me so so much so I started loving me. I started eating better. I started going on walks and taking care of myself. I started telling myself that I was beautiful and smart and funny and I was worth it.
But then we broke up because issues with him not setting boundaries for our relationship kept coming up. He started making me feel insecure by reminding me his ex misses him and she thinks he looks good. I complimented him all of the time. So much he told me i was too much for him, i was too good to be true. He would put his ex before me. He was putting effort into protect her feelings over mine. He would fight with me constantly over her. I didn't understand why but I lost all love for myself and just felt really empty.

I felt like if the one person in this world who showed me I was worthy of love and could teach me to love myself, couldn't love me then what about me do I love?

I feel so miserable. I know I'm worth it I just can't find why I'm worth it anymore.

I don't have/do much of anything to be loved for. I go to work, I come home, I spend time with my kiddo, I cook, I shower, I go to bed, repeat. I overthink. I go to therapy. I get irritated easily. I have been having nightmares that stay on my mind all day and I try to figure out why. I have learned I have cptsd. I have a disorganized attachment style. I have depression and severe anxiety.

Where do you start with self love when you just can't?

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