2. I just want to be happy but I don’t feel worthy of it : stressLess-life
I just want to be happy but I don’t feel worthy of it
falseTw: If you don't know anything about POCD please just don't respond or comment
Alright so I deal with POCD and trauma from a few things, yesterday I made this: https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/1ixxpcq/im_totally_convinced_that_im_a_pedophile_i_just/ post
Honestly I think this made me 10x more triggered, I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I literally cannot eat or anything, I've tried to get therapy since I posted that but none, can't get my next session until 1 month. Right now I literally am so close to getting a chemical castration or literally just kill myself. The thought of being a pedophile makes everything in my life seem dark and hopeless. I haven't moved out from bed since I posted that, I drank some water though. I've tried to distract myself but the thoughts just keep on coming back. The problem for me is that my POCD is mainly based of me overthinking every single action I've done, making me doubt my whole moral existence. I'm going to copy in some of my old posts. And I hope that someone out there might be able to give me a tip on what to do right now.
One of my main traumas:
Got raped as a child (most likely by dad) and sa'd in 4th grade by a teacher. Developed a cnc kink and hypersexuality as a kiddo. To summarise it, when I was 12-15 I used to fetishise myself, make CP, talk to old men and wear sexual clothes, toys ect. Adapting a sexual personality and basically imagining my future as someone who did sex jobs. It was quite easy, I have a "sexy" personality and a androgynous pretty body, I look younger than what I am too, exactly what pedos get turned on by. It was easy to get attention and feel loved, worthy and appreciated while being bullied and abused irl. My whole life I've grown up with the wicked mentality that someone feeling attracted to me so much that they would rape me made me worthy. But if you've not understood it already it ruined my life and all of my self worth, I don't even enjoy the act. I've tried to heal multiple of times but I keep on relapsing. Neither do I ever feel like my response is enough, I tend to minimise my trauma, then put myself out willingly in these situations to make my trauma more "valid" except it never gets "valid". It's getting easier now, but how can you actually heal?
The thing that made me pocd horrible:
2 months ago I read a manga that triggered my POCD to enormous levels. I can't go one hour without feeling like I deserve to die, and that I might be a pedophile.
The manga was cute, I enjoyed it tbh, but it had pedophilic themes (idk why I continued on to read it?!) and in the end it got quite sexual. I was sick while reading it so sadly I don't have much memories, but my POCD makes me ruminate over it sm so idk whats real or false memory. Bcz I liked reading it and found it cute I'm scared that it made me a creep who enjoys CP. I also keep on going about and thinking if I wanted smth sexual to happen, I know I thought there would be a time jump. But I can't stop doubting myself or thinking "what if I liked it when it started to get sexual" and the memories of such feel so real that I can't ignore them.
I've never ever enjoyed CP before, or manga with SA (honestly I don't enjoy smut much overall, but they're pretty common in romance mangas) but if it has sexual themes and the characters look like kids/are kids/a weird age gap ect. I drop it, but idk why I didn't drop this one. I literally cannot stop beating myself up for it.
My therapy experience:
At 13 I got my first therapy session for depression, and though that I got in contact with social services cause of abuse and that continued on until I was 14. They asked me if I wanted to move out, but I like my siblings and mom way to much to leave and I felt guilty for putting them in that situation so I didn't. Once again last year when I was 14 I got therapy again since I had skipped school for 4 ish months smth. This time I didn't get much help just talk therapy. At 15 I called 991 on me cause I was convinced that I where a groomer and nearly got into a psych ward but my parents convinced them to just meet some emergency care. So I'm going to get specialised therapy in like hopefully half a year. But I won't get it until then.
For extra facts abt me, I'm 15, I still live with my parents, I don't have any close friends ect, my family is broke (none works and we life or child care support) so I can't afford a special therapist wnd the therapy I take is free, not a OCD therapist and well as I mentioned in 1 month and 30 minutes ish just talk therapy. I'm also a girl (ish idk) biologically and I have a girlfriend. I have medicine already for OCD, depression and insomnia but none of them helps me that much. Also bcz of trauma/I might be asexual I have a hard time understanding attraction, which does make it worse.
If you have any more questions please ask me about them. But once again be a little bit careful cause sorry but some of the comments on the other post triggerd me alot.
Is there any breathing exercise or smth I should do to just not atempt to take my life today today?
Once again sorry for all of thid, it might be a little bit annoying and if I am a pedophile I am so sorry for everyone out there that might have hurt you through people like me
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