2. Why external validation means nothing: E.g., a tree! : stressLess-life

Why external validation means nothing: E.g., a tree!

false

A tree is not a tree because people walk past it and say "Oh, look, it's a tree." Similarly, a tree is still a tree even if people walk past it and say "That is not a tree." A tree is also still a tree even if people walk past it without acknowledging it. It is a tree because it is a tree.

We can use this idea to let go of our desire and (false) need for external validation. What is something that you consistently feel the need to hear from other people? For example, something I currently wish to hear from others is that I am a good owner to my dog. I wait and wait for the compliment to come by, I put in extra effort to prove to others that I am a good dog owner, and maybe even fish for the compliment. But the longer I go without hearing the compliment from somebody else, the sadder, more unfulfilled, and more indignant I feel. I don’t enjoy living like that, so what can I do?

What if I just looked at the facts and could affirm this for myself? I have a well-structured routine for him, I play with him, show him love and affection, entertain him, exercise him, take care of him when he doesn't feel well, train him, bathe him, feed him… the list goes on. I can choose to look at these facts and come to the sound conclusion that I am a good dog owner. I am not a good dog owner because I heard it from somebody else. I am also not a bad dog owner because somebody told me I could be doing something better. I simply am a good dog owner.

Now, I could still feel really down on myself and say “But I’m not a good dog owner.” You could say “But I’m not pretty, responsible, smart, this, that, x, y, etc.” This is where the power of choice introduces itself. I can choose between believing that I am a good dog owner or a bad one. You can choose to believe that you are X or not X. Which one brings more quality of life to you to believe in? The choice is yours and only yours.

Make the choice to make your mind a happy place. What a relieving, fulfilling, exciting way to live life when you don’t depend on inconsistent, outside sources for your acceptance and praise. Of course, it feels great to hear good things about you from others, strangers or not, but we have a problem when it’s the only source of validation we’re getting.

A tree is always a tree. Nothing anybody says will ever change that.

You are always [wonderful quality you want to hear about yourself]. Nothing anybody says or does will ever change that except you. Choose to believe it.

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