2. I wonder if I could ask for support? I'm fighting so hard to stay sane : stressLess-life

I wonder if I could ask for support? I'm fighting so hard to stay sane

false

Hey guys,

I started shadow work in August and I lost my closest two friends since then. It seemed a natural end, not by my choice and was really painful. I said sorry for what I could be genuinely sorry for and asked to chat about the rest. Both of my friends refused. One of them was considered family to me and I've lost a family of people though that loss. In total, I've lost contact with 5 people that were in my life daily. One of them decided to ghost me after a very small disagreement came up and me saying sorry resulted in a door being closed on my face. It was about objects in the room and where to put them and I felt pressured and argued my case... No harsh words no shouting, no fighting, just... Mentioning a fact about cleaning which I regretted mentioning of course. But I'm shocked that people think I deserve this, I'm a kind loving person just like everybody else I know, we all try to be good for each other. Suddenly, I'm isolated. I've got no one to talk to.

I've been trying to cope with it since August, using it as a way to feel raw and try find that self love I have struggled with my whole life. I know the world and my subconscious is trying to tell me something- the message is probably that I really need to live myself and start putting myself in the driving seat of my own life and get that CV done, apply for better jobs and start looking for living relationships, whilst this time, being authentic at much as I can instead of a people pleasing chameleon.

I'm so sad, ashamed and doubting, that it's making me ill. I can't sleep well, and right now I can feel my insides vibrating as if I'm poisoned. I may have had ME and I need to be calm and confident about my health. I need to sleep well.

I do meditations, I slowly learn about shadow work as it's not easy to understand or work with on my own. I'm low on cash and that knocks my confidence too. I've got an old friend visiting at the weekend and I've spent weeks worrying that they'll see what a blank void I am, with very little happiness in my life. I'm scared. I have to remind myself that I am enough, I can't drive or pay for them to go anywhere but I can be me and that's why they are my friend.

I do meditations to sleep, self love and healing, I do quantum breath in the mornings to try increase oxygen as ME causes low oxygen and I'm very very tired just trying to do small things. I have to work a few days a week so I do need to get the best rest when I'm off work.

Does anyone know of any good self compassion links, meditations or quotes they could send me just now? I'm 51F and it's really hard to make new friends, I'm in a choir and that will help but takes time. I am my usual silly self but I notice people give me more ageist responses these days. I am losing my confidence to just be me and I'm so sad it's all, not helping.

I'm sorry to ask,

Love xx

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