2. To embrace loneliness.. : stressLess-life
To embrace loneliness..
falseTW Trauma/physical & emotional abuse, suicide
33f here… looking for some wisdom with reclamation of family. I come from a long history of trauma in my family. At least 5 generations deep. My family dynamics are quite toxic - love is transactional and manipulative. Growing up as a child, with neglect, physical abuse, emotional abuse, hearing stories about physical abuse from elders to my mom, aunts, cousins, siblings as if telling folktales over campfires… these things were normal to me. Finally growing up, getting therapy, removing myself from those dynamics have been the greatest piece of work in my life thus far. I see how much I’ve endured.
My family operated in the sense of, “I’m hurt more so you can handle my pain.” My mom’s pain was so deeply rooted. She attempted suicide so many times in my life, it was honestly so many that each year, I prepared for her passing. When she was diagnosed with breast cancer and died at 41, it didn’t hurt so bad. By that point I was 24. I had been grieving her since my first memory of her - which was an attempted suicide when I was 4.
An elder aunt would host holidays. The entire family would come together and the abuse would be watered down to insulting comments and vulgar language but it was all in “good” fun. Abuse was so normal. When she passed, my mom took over the family parties - which meant I was also in charge. My role as a child was raising her and my 4 other siblings. I was never a child. Holidays for me became laborious. Then when she passed, they turned into breaking up fights physical & emotional within the family at future attempts of gathering.
When she passed my aunt, her older sister, took it the hardest. It consumed her. She put my mother on this pedestal- as if she didn’t ever do anything wrong. My aunt used to be so verbally violent. She’d have these explosive tantrums. You never knew what would set her off. So over the years I’ve learned to say less and finally, I cut her off because at some point, I could no longer enable the abuse. After 2 years of no contact, she apologized and promised that she had grown and changed and all she wanted to be is be a good aunt and take care of her nieces and nephews.
But the thing is, it’s on her terms. About two months ago (after a year of her demonstrating a somewhat changed woman) she lashed out. She was angry about something and was so verbally violent and unapologetic. I haven’t felt safe engaging with her since and every time I see a long text or get a voice note from her, part of me is prepared for emotional abuse. This year she told me she was ordering catered Whole Foods for thanksgiving and wanted me to come because she wanted to do something nice for the family. A, I don’t like Whole Foods and she didn’t ask what anyone wanted to eat or consider my allergies. B, she hasn’t apologized for the incident and C, when I told her I didn’t know if I would come (I haven’t went to thanksgiving in 5 years) she said, “ugh I just want to do something nice for the family.” It was basically her show at how great she is and didn’t consider anyone else’s experience.
I feel like an asshole because she offered this event but also, I don’t feel safe. My family doesn’t respect my lifestyle (in the wellness world), they still make fun of my nuanced tendencies (they are safety tools developed from trauma - still in therapy) and it’s toxic. My grandmother lashes out at any inconvenience where she is always on the brink of physically assaulting my aunt.
I spent this thanksgiving alone again and all I could think about is the loneliness. Sometimes it feels like it’s self inflicted. I have a chosen family of friends who I know care deeply for me but they all have their own families - partners/kids. They all spent their holiday in those dynamic. I’ve been deeply sad and feel like I’ve self inflicted this pain. It’s so hard to walk outside right now and see joyful families and feel like I won’t have that. I’m single, no kids and feel like my traumas have pushed any potential of healthy relationships away. Every year I think it’ll get easier or I’ll be in a relationship and have my own family but it doesn’t and I’m not.
Any thoughts? Suggestions?
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