2. Starting over : stressLess-life

Starting over

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In fall 2023, I went through a breakup that absolutely crushed me and changed my life. I lost several friends and never had felt so hurt. My ex quickly rebounded with women he deemed more attractive and reposted hurtful content online. Following the breakup, I vowed to change myself to become the best version of me because I hated who I was. I got into the best shape I've ever been in, reinvented my style and took good care of myself by adopting healthy habits, and got a better job. I felt good about myself during this period, but still struggled with feelings of loneliness without a partner.

This summer, I decided to dip my toe into dating and quickly began to mentally fall apart. Dealing with rejection made my self-esteem drop and it triggered a lot of hurt feelings about ways my previous partner criticized me. At the same time, my ex came back into my life and praised me for my glow up but continued to toy with my feelings by making plans to hangout then flaking in the moment and focusing on my physical appearance above anything else. This took the biggest toll on my self esteem as I continued to engage with him despite how badly he had treated me in the past. As my self esteem plummeted, I fell into poor coping mechanisms--staying in bed and sleeping the day away, self isolating, binge eating, just not doing even basic things to take care of myself.

My back and forth with him went on until the beginning of this month when I reflected on how much I hated myself again. This time, it feels so much worse because I was the one who chose to allow him back into my life despite the past. Although I cut him off earlier this month, I'm still struggling with finding the motivation? discipline? to pick myself back up and start over. I feel like I'm back at square one when the breakup first happened--I feel horrible about my body and looks, I am not taking care of myself on even the most basic level, I have no friends. I keep telling myself I need to change and get out of this rut because I spiral the more time I spend alone and ignoring basic self-care, but I can't seem to get myself to do it because I just fall into a pit of despair about letting this happen in the first place. Additionally, I think the worst part is how lonely I feel, but I find it so hard to put myself out there and be around people when I feel so embarrassed about who I am. Does anyone have any advice or guidance? I would really appreciate it.

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