2. I Didn’t Even Realize… : stressLess-life

I Didn’t Even Realize…

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For the longest time I didn’t think I was suicidal because I didn’t want to physically hurt myself or even fantasize about better world without me in it. What I was thinking and feeling was just absolutely nothing, I had no connection with thought or feeling, a life of fear, trauma, heartbreak, and pain had completely numbed me and just made me a walking dead man! I felt no connection whatsoever, no drive, no sense of purpose…

I was adding in substance abuse to cope with the fact that I felt nothing on a day to day basis. I didn’t realize that it was the same as being suicidal, the worst kind as it’s certainly a slow death for all to see, here’s the catch is I really felt I was fooling everyone around me because if you asked me how I’m doing I’ll hit you with the most common response as a man, the good ole ”I’m Good” response cause I didn’t want to tell people I don’t want to live anymore!!

With the help of therapy and the great people of A.A it’s helped a little spark get started again!! Trauma is a tricky thing, and in men we’re programmed to just put our emotions and feelings buried. It’s important to share that nothing changes if nothing changes!! Nobody knows what’s really going on unless you let someone know!! It took someone I respect very much to ask me if I was trying to kill myself for me to realize how I was truly living!! When he asked me that I wrote about why I wanna live in my journal for close to 3 hrs!!

I bring all this up just to say you’re not alone!!! Find someone or something that’s a outlet, get it out, it’s better out then in!!! You might just surprise yourself and if you’re lucky as I am, it might just ignite something inside of you to choose life!!! Please anyone who reads this and can relate, feel free to hit me up anytime and I’ll answer!!! Your not alone and you do matter!!! The World is a better place with you in it!!!

submitted by /u/FromTheMud215
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