2. How can I live with myself after hurting someone badly and they won’t accept my apology? : stressLess-life

How can I live with myself after hurting someone badly and they won’t accept my apology?

false

I badly hurt an ex friend/situationship and he won’t forgive me. We were friends at work for about two months. I broke up with my boyfriend, and we were in a situationship for about five months. I didn’t treat him well and was constantly unsure if I was going to go back to my ex and was open with him about that. I did things like get upset when he couldn’t talk because he was going to take a shower. Really messed up of me. During this time, I was hospitalized and ended up in an outpatient DBT program. I apologized for how I treated him, and he forgave me for that. I made the decision to go back to my ex and he wanted to remain friends. I told him I wasn’t going to be able to remain friends because I didn’t think we had a healthy dynamic and it would be best for both of us to move on. I sent him a long message thanking him for everything he did for me and that I will always think fondly of him and want the best for him. He said he understood and sent me a nice message back. This was in April.

Two days ago, a mutual friend texted me “hey, what did you do to ____? He won’t even let me mention your name in front of him.”

I instantly felt bad and wanted to talk things out with him and apologize. I tried to call but it went to vm so I sent a voice note apologizing for how things ended and how I went about a lot of things the wrong way and how I regretted how I treated him. I asked him if he wanted to talk on the phone or in person about it and if not, I respect his space and won’t contact again.

He sent me a voice note back around midnight saying it's far too late for apologies and everything I've heard about him hating me is true. He said I subjected him to mental and emotional abuse and that he lost his friend group because of me because what I did to him made him act irrationally. He said he had an anxiety attack for the first time in months because I called him. And kept reiterating how shitty I am and how he'll never be my friend if that's what I wanted. And he said "if you ever see me again, no you don't" as in if I ever run into him he's gonna ignore me.

I completely understand that he doesn’t have to accept my apology. I know that I hurt him and I was in the wrong. But ever since he said that I’ve been struggling with SI. I feel like I’m a. Horrible person and I don’t deserve to be happy with my bf or happy in general. I just feel like absolute trash and it’s affecting my work life and ability to function and take care of myself.

I know I was in the wrong, but how do I move past this? Do I even deserve my own forgiveness?

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