2. How I've helped myself better ask for help from others/gain confidence! : stressLess-life

How I've helped myself better ask for help from others/gain confidence!

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I have AuDHD and grew up in an emotionally neglectful/abusive household. I really struggle with asking for help for tasks, mainly because I live by the fallacy that it is "easier" to do things on my own, than to attempt to ask for help and be denied. I'm not sure if anyone can relate, but when I truly do need to ask for help, I'll often "side-step" the big ask by asking qualifying questions first.

For example, let's say I need to ask my roommate to help wash the dirty dishes. Instead of saying, "are you busy tonight?" "Do you have plans?" "Have you already done a lot of chores today?" I'll ask straight up: "can you help me get dishes done by the end of tonight?"

It helps when requesting help to have a set task and deadline in the question, but this method puts the onus on my roommate to tell me themselves if they have the time or energy to help me, and then I can go from there. But if I'm asking a vague, "do you have time tonight?" and I get a response from her, "yeah I have plans at 8pm" I will immediately shut it down and assume I am being a burden and say "oh nevermind, it's okay, don't worry about it," when in reality if it's 2pm and I ask directly, "can I have help with the dishes?" I will likely get a response from her, "yeah I can help you for an hour or so before my plans!" Tadah, you got help, roommate feels she has been asked honestly and won't have any sort of pity shoved onto her by your insecure side-stepping, everyone is happy. Even if my roommate says "no I'm sorry I can't help you with dishes," at least I can say to myself, "she just doesn't have the time tonight, she's not saying no because she doesnt like me" or any self-defeating thoughts like that.

Another example could be, if I need to borrow some paper from a coworker. Instead of saying, "are you working on something that requires a lot of paper?" "How much paper do you have?" I just ask directly, "can I borrow about 30 sheets of paper for my project today?"

It takes active consideration and re-wiring to make this switch, and it's not easy, but I've seen so much real results and gotten way more things off my plate that I was taking on solely because I was too scared to ask for help directly. It also helps that I'm doing my best to surround myself with people who support my self-love journey and love themselves enough, too. I feel so much more confident knowing I am improving my communication skills and have more time to relax and focus on other self-love skills like journaling or meditation when I'm not running around trying to hold the globe up on my shoulders when there are friends and family who love me enough to help. Please let me know your thoughts, and if you try it, how it worked for you!

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