2. Don’t think I truly value myself : stressLess-life

Don’t think I truly value myself

false

I have found myself in yet again another manipulative relationship. I don’t know why I accept below bare minimum when it comes to men. I so badly want to be understanding that I completely neglect myself for the people around me. I know I need to end things for my own sanity but I already can feel his words get into my head and my avoidant habits makes me want to cowardly put my head in the sand.

My whole life I have felt like I didn’t have a voice. Like I have to pay someone to really listen and understand me. I’m tired of my therapist being the only person I feel safe being vulnerable with. It feels like people love me until I set a boundary or hold them accountable for something. It’s become incredibly triggering to speak up for myself. It’s so ridiculous but people never fail to prove me right.

My current boyfriend has told me my mental health will ruin our relationship. I have told them the weight this has put on me and he still agrees with what he said because at the time he was triggering me and I was being dramatic. I will admit I was being dramatic because I felt like I was going absolutely crazy. I felt like I was spiraling. I felt like maybe my ex was right, I am crazy and I need to stop speaking up on how I feel.

I understand people aren’t responsible for my emotions, is it wrong to want to have my feelings taken into consideration? I feel like I am constantly shrinking how I feel to take care of how other people are feeling. I don’t mind taking accountability for my actions and correcting myself. I feel like if I bring something up that may be bothering me it will ends up me apologizing profusely for speaking up.

“It really hurts my feelings when you mention how I hurt your feelings” is the most rate G version of it all.

I am tired. I feel myself growing cold and becoming more comfortable with just being on my own if this is going to be the constant narrative for me..

He told me, “if you love me, work through this with me now or you will just end up with someone else in 2 years having the same problem” (he believes I am so traumatized by my past to give him a chance) At first I thought he made sense because I do love him but the more I think about it the more manipulative and almost insulting it sounds.

I wish I loved myself enough to stop finding myself here.

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