2. Terrified to be me? : stressLess-life
Terrified to be me?
falseThis is a rant and a call for advice.
I think I'm terrified to be myself. I've always been. I am not sure if it's part of some deeper people pleasing tendencies, or a byproduct of being a loner in any setting, but I am scared of being me. Or letting others see parts of myself. It seems like no matter what someone is like, there's always judgement to it. And those judgements I guess are part of why I can't gain confidence from being myself. And I guess ultimately loving myself.
It's difficult to love yourself when you don't really know who you are. Like, I know basic stuff about myself, but the rest feels like it's constantly changing, almost to where I can't keep up with it. I feel like this is something I should've had figured out by the age of 20. I'm almost 25 and am completely lost with it. It's almost like I just stick with something and if it sticks long enough, I accept it as part of who I am, but it just seems to get boring? And then I find the next thing to stick with.
I guess it's like I love something, until someone sees it, then for some reason, all I hear and see is judgement. Like my room for example. I love pink. I love kawaii shit, even though I know it's pretty childish for my age. The other day, my sister looked in my room and said "If I ever need help with my girls' room, I'll call you up!" I laughed, but the reality was that I wasn't sure whether it was a compliment or not. And I can't help leaning towards not. Or how my mom will comment that my room makes the whole hallway look pink (due to the reflection of light off the white walls).
I know I like pink, I could drown in pink stuff and it would be the best way to go out. But I think I don't know about myself enough to where I can't tell if something is truly what makes me happy. A lot of people say they know how I am, but I don't even know myself. So they must know, right? They must know me more than I know myself. So when these comments come up while I'm trying to be myself, it feels like I have it all wrong, that I don't actually like all the pink stuff that I have. That there is something inherently wrong with me.
I'm part of a big family, and I was always singled out as the weird one. Or the "good" kid that never gets in trouble. Sometimes, I was referred to as autistic, but it was always obvious I wasn't like them. And I guess I feel ashamed for that. I feel wrong for being myself. I'm not autistic. I know that much. I mean, yeah, I miss a lot of social cues, and I donr understand a lot of jokes or when someone is attempting a joke towards me. I'm also the only hearing impaired person in my life, so there's going to be human error and miscommunication with that.
I think it's also a lack of ability. There are a lot of milestones that I haven't reached yet that I should've hit years ago. And even some I can't change. And some that I can't seem to understand. This lack of ability produces a lack of confidence because it's shit I already need to be doing in order to be an actual functioning person. Like driving for example. I'm almost 25 and can't drive. I have to depend on my parents or other friends or family members to drive me. I feel incapable. I can't just get in a car and drive myself to the store when I need something. I have to wait and plan for it to fit in my parents schedule. This often causes a lack of necessary sleep in order to get shit done. My mom did tell me I can go driving with her, but she did more than express that she is not trusting of my driving capabilities and does not have confidence in my driving skills. Skills that I can't develop because I can't drive. 😂 and with my lack of experience, I know it would be highly disastrous to drive with someone who is very panicky and will probubly freak out at some point.
Sorry, this is becoming a complaint rather than asking for advice. But yeah. I know there's a major lack of confidence, and perhaps even self esteem. But I'm just not okay with being myself. Like, I'm trying to love myself, but I don't think I even know who myself is. I don't know. I just feel incapable and like a child for my age. I'm trying to be a confident adult, dammit, why is that getting harder and harder as I get older?😅😟
Any advice is much appreciated. Or maybe similar stories or feelings.
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