2. I hate the reputation I've created for myself. : stressLess-life

I hate the reputation I've created for myself.

https://ift.tt/2HpGXLB

I'm stubborn. Inflexible. Unmotivated. Unforgiving over the smallest thing after being treated badly over the years. I have no professional goal in life. I'm scared to pursue my interests/hobbies and change my career. I feel too intellectually stupid for any job. I misread cues and eye contact makes.me uncomfortable. Depression. Autism. Social anxiety... I hate socialising because I don't have the ability to do more than small talk. I'm not witty and can never be put on the spot to speak to an individual or a crowd. I'm worse than a glitching NPC. I'm fairly negative no matter how much I don't want to be, I just feel locked up in my own negativity. The negative self talk is so loud in my head 24/7, and screams louder when I make the smallest mistake. I just want to hide in a cave as much as possible. Just not have to go to work and experience the stress of commuting to work. The population and housing development is out of control and the roads are so stressful now. I want to move far away, but don't want to move away from family due to their health. I could never face another job interview and do amazingly at it. I always become frozen with anxiety and cannot get any words out, even if I spent a long time preparing. One time I had to apologise to the interviewer over the phone because I was feeling anxious and didn't want to continue the interview. Thanked her for her time. I know myself well enough that my mental health is so much worse years later. I just know it'd fail from the first Hello. But at the same time I don't know who I am. I feel like the characteristics mentioned at the start just shouldn't be who I am. But I'm so stuck. I've been going to therapy for years, but everyday life, how it makes me feel and how I react to it is just, I'm just snowballing. I never go on dates and never will because it would be so embarrassing. The same thing in job interviews would happen during a date with a man. And face it, no one wants to date broken goods. And I'm more than broken.

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