2. I felt the change ☺ : stressLess-life

I felt the change ☺

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I changed; I don’t know how to explain it, but I tried. The turning point came in December 2023. Suddenly, my thought processes shifted. Suddenly, my head processes things differently. It’s as if there is a small version of me in my head, telling me that what I’m about to do is wrong. A mere shadow, faceless, like a cloud molded into the silhouette of a person. This silent companion always accompanied me, commenting on my impending actions and words.

Before December, this mental companion was relentless – aggressive, mean, and downright horrible. When confronted with mistreatment, it fueled my urges to lash out, scream, and fight, resulting in multiple encounters with the police. The mirror became a source of relentless criticism, declaring my ugliness, and worthlessness, and projecting an image of perpetual misery. It asserted that I was destined for a life of sorrow and perceived flaws in every aspect – my appearance, heart, soul, family, and decisions.

But then, it vanished.

One morning, in the ambiguous realm of December 2023 (the second week, perhaps), I woke up to a profound silence. Thoughts were scarce. As I washed my face and met my reflection, the first gentle whisper echoed in my mind: "Beautiful." I echoed it back, "Beautiful." I felt light on my toes like I was walking on air. A newfound lightness enveloped me, and my interactions became infused with politeness and kindness.

I began noticing subtle yet powerful shifts. My mom, attentive to my needs, prepared nutritious meals, and we shared delightful evenings with baked scallops. My sister, always soft-spoken, exuded kindness. My world became a gentle haven, my home adorned with love from the stray animals I had adopted.

I stare at the mirror, and suddenly, there is another little person, but this time, this little person is a glowing white figure, akin to a cloud veiling the sun. It’s nurturing and kind. It tells me that I am beautiful and I am kind. That I have always been kind and gentle. And that’s how I talk to myself since then – all I have are good words for myself. I started acting like one; I am gentle and soft. In challenging moments, the glowing companion urged me to remain peaceful. No raised voices, no lashing out.

It’s like the dark cloud in my head for many years has just dissipated. I never thought I would ever feel this way. I am happy, I am at peace. I feel like I just started living. I am writing a book that I feel so connected to and have booked many trips outside my country, ready for the rest of the year.

I've changed. I sense it profoundly. And I am overwhelmingly happy.

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