2. Can I ever be the person I have become? Or is my past really me? : stressLess-life
Can I ever be the person I have become? Or is my past really me?
https://ift.tt/Q7CjTnHIt’s like I have it all figured out now, but where was this ten years ago…
I struggle with obsessive thoughts from my words, actions, priorities of a young man when I was in my early mid 20’s. I was a bit of a cocky/brash younger person and I, at times, treated friends and significant others poorly. I was very immature and a poor student and very unselfaware. These led to me not valuing friendships or not thinking how my actions or word would or could be taken by others.
I am proud of the man I have become in the last 10 years. I work hard, have a fantastic fiancé, treat people well, and have quit drinking alcohol. However, the more successful I become, the more anxious and upset I find myself. I find myself having anxiety attacks over what those people back 10 years ago think of me, what would happen if I would see any of them today and how they likely view me as a jerk or a clown.
I was a shitty friend, at times. I was not as loyal as I could have been. I drank a lot and acted like a huge ass when drunk including the following:
- Calling a girlfriend a bitch
- Yelling at my guys friends/trying to fight one and
- I had a few friends who were girls and I would smack on the butt as a joke. Which I knew annoyed them but I thought it was funny/be being silly.
During this time in my life, I thought I was being how most guys should be but as I’ve gotten older and more mature I realize that I was just an annoying douchebag. Today, I get panic attacks thinking about how the people that respect me and view me as such a good professional would respond if they heard some of these stories from my younger years. Would anyone ever want anything to do with me again?
I try to be as good of a man and human being as I can today, in the present, but constantly feel as if anyone ever knew how I was or that I was a jerk that they would shun me and hate me.
I am not sure what to do, I try to forgive myself but I cannot. Sometimes I wonder how I can make it another day with my body and mind torturing me every second of every day.
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