2. I am about to give up : stressLess-life

I am about to give up

https://ift.tt/6YMNu0e

I don't know what to do anymore.

And you will laugh when I tell you the reason why. Because it's about girls.

I never really had girls in my life. Then in my early 20s I realized I wanted girls in my life and started chasing them. I'm a problem solver by nature and thought of it as just another problem to be solved. I had a couple girls with whom I "fell in love with". Started chasing them even more. They never fell in love with me though. I was extremely needy. I got absorbed with improving myself, wanting to become the guy that girls like. I read that you "need to be alpha". I went to the gym to become alpha. I tried behaving like an alpha. I bought clothes that I thought an alpha would wear. I got a haircut that an alpha would have. I hung out with people who I thought were alpha. But inside I was still myself. Insecure. Scared. No experience. Not knowing what to do, how to behave on a date, how to tell her I like her, how to tell her I want her.

I realized people see through it, see through my "alpha" mask. My best friend's girlfriend told him about me "He is a strong man on the outside but still a small boy in the inside." I'm glad he told me. Because I realized she was right.

I tried being more myself. I tried meditating. I tried journaling. I began seeing a therapist. I quit smoking weed. I tried working with dating coaches, multiple. I spent thousands of dollars on coachings, books, programs. I went out on the streets, every day, to approach girls. It was hard. I was scared to do it but I did it. I got numbers. I went on dates. But they all saw the insecure little boy who wants nothing more than to finally be with a woman. I was scared to make a move, scared to fuck my chances up. Every step along the way, be it asking her out, inviting her on a date, whatever. The girls saw that and despised it.

I traveled the world. I went to other countries where I thought it would be easier. Countries where I thought just by my height and looks I could get the girls. I even did a whole study program where I thought I would meet a lot of girls. It didnt work. I was still scared. Scared to be rejected, scared to do something wrong, scared to be laughed at.

The most painful thing is that everyone I tell about the problem laughs it off. "You're good looking. You're tall. You should have no problems. We'll turn you into a playboy in no time. Just look at the problem as if it was solved." If you only knew the truth.

I get attention from girls regulary, I get signs of interest and I realize girls like the way I look. Sometimes, girls even make the first move on me and approach me at the bar or at the gym. Often, when I talk to a girl, she is turned on at first. The more I talk to her and the more she sees of my needy self, the more she is turned off. It makes me think "what is wrong with me?".

I've noticed that girls actually like me whenever I'm not in "I have to get this girl" mode. When I just see her as a person and have no plans of getting with her. Then comes the moment of realization for me: "OH MY GOD. SHE ACTUALLY LIKES ME. I MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE A CHANCE." and I see it again as my "once in a lifetime chance" and become extremely needy to get her. Immediate turn off for her, of course. I have literally had a girl follow me around for three days, making all the moves in the book on me before I realized she liked me. Then a switch went off in my brain and I began chasing her. Boom. She didn't like me anymore.

This has taken over my entire life. Everything I do, every day, there is nothing else I think of. When I work, I think I am wasting my time. I have to improve myself. I have to change myself to finally be accepted. The only content I consume is self-improvement, self-help. How do I change my pityful self? What is wrong with me? More meditation, more nightly affirmations, more journaling, more gym, more ice baths.

I'm done. I don't know what else I should do.

​

submitted by /u/robinfrancisstadel
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