2. Holy Shit I think I just "got" it : stressLess-life

Holy Shit I think I just "got" it

https://ift.tt/SAfYXxK

All my life I hurt myself asking the same question:

How is it possible that I have such an extraordinary capacity for love and appreciation for others and I get so little of it in return?

I turned this feeling and those thoughts connected to it in my head for 34 years, I have cried and begged and prayed to all the gods and the universe to make it make sense, to make me understand how it is fair. I have been told to "stop looking for outside validation" or to "give that love (I don't receive from others) to myself and other well meant phrases and it made me so angry and bitter to keep hearing them because it didn't make sense to me. I have given up and regained hope so many times. No mater what I did, I could never make it make sense but I could not stop wanting to understand. Until now. Today. 10 minutes ago.

Once again I was alone, after another great but emotionally unavailable man told me how amazing I am but that he doesn't have romantic feelings for me (because he "struggles to feel..." in general). And once again I was tossing and turning in my mind, saying to myself all the things I would like to say to others but can't because "you can't be needy".

And suddenly this new feeling set it. Why the hell would it mater? Why does it matter that I am not afraid to love but others are? Why does it matter that I can treat others with so much compassion, kindness and respect when so many of them struggle with it so much? Why do I feel like I am doing something wrong by having a heart of gold that can love like no other? Why should any of this be my problem? Why should I be punished for it?

Because I am and have all of those things I am missing from others. I have so much love in my heart, I am that love. I have so much kindness, respect and empathy. I already have them. I do not depend on the capacity of others to love me when I already have that love in me. I was just convinced that If I have it, that others need to have it as well and I see now that many of them can't and never will. They are not like me and I am so proud of the person I am. I worked so hard for her and she deserves this beautiful love and support so much, so much more than any of the people I was begging to give it to.

I see now what they mean with "give the love to yourself". I just only now fully saw that it was inside me all along. Everything I ever wanted is inside me and has always been.

​

I love you so much - with all my heart, forever.

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