2. I'm in such a good place right now : stressLess-life
I'm in such a good place right now
https://ift.tt/Jw0n3lRLiterally and figuratively!
This is unnecessarily long, but I think context is important.
TLDR: Bucket list item checked off. I love myself for the first time ever. I'm fat, I'm cute, and I'm happy!
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In the past 24 hours I've gotten to see both New Mexico and Arizona, the two states I've always wanted to visit! Previously, the furthest west I'd ever been was Texas. I'm having such a lovely time and everything is so beautiful I could cry ðŸ˜
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I live with depression and the past couple of years haven't been the best for me. I made the difficult choice to break up with most of my small friend group. I've been mourning that loss while also aggressively trying to discover who I am after years of masking, people pleasing, putting everyone else first, and not knowing how to set boundaries and advocate for myself. I was also really struggling with not feeling like I belonged anywhere. Add on the depression that made me think not very good things about myself, isolate myself, and assume the worst about other people. I was starting to feel hopeless because I'm 43 years old and my body is aging and everything is just going to go downhill from here so why bother with anything. A couple of months ago, there seemed to be a shift in my mindset. I can't remember the first thing I noticed but what I can tell you is now for the first time in my life I really and truly love myself. It's not a fleeting feeling. I trust myself, I value myself, I appreciate myself, and I speak up for myself. I've accepted who I am with all of my shortcomings and lack of achievements and I still love me because I know I'm kind and I have a good heart. I have actual self-confidence now and I'm my biggest fan.
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I. love. my. body. Despite being almost the heaviest I've been in my life. I've always been a big person, even as a child. I was always shamed or made fun of for it (even by my family) so of course I internalized that and never felt comfortable in my body. Even as I got older and people called me beautiful or implied that I was attractive in any way, there was always something about my body I was unhappy with, but I especially focused on my legs. I hated how big and scarred they are and always wanted to cover them up. No shorts and if I wore a short dress I would always wear leggings. Now I'm just kinda smitten with myself. I love my face and my smile and even the way my body is shaped. I'm not even that self conscious about my legs anymore. I was afraid of people being "grossed out" if I didn't cover up the parts I didn't like. Now I don't care. They can be grossed out if they want but my existing and wanting to be comfortable with myself is a them problem. I'm done internalizing other people's ignorance and insecurities.
While at a rest stop today I asked a friend to take some photos of me and I can't believe how much I love them. Full body photos have always been scary to me and seeing "what I really look like" would always make me cringe and make me wish I had the self-discipline to lose weight.
I've come so far. Looking at these pictures are a reminder of that, and that makes me so very happy!
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