2. How do I get back my sense of self after a breakup involving infidelity? : stressLess-life
How do I get back my sense of self after a breakup involving infidelity?
https://ift.tt/UuLBzN7This ended up being a long rant but please bear with me.
I(23m) broke up with my ex(24f) at the beginning of August and since then my sense of self-worth has significantly diminished despite all the self-love work I've done all year. So for some context into our relationship, we started dating in 2019 and things were amazing even when we became extremely long-distance because of college. Fast forward to 2022, 2 months after we'd had the best time together, she cheated on me with the guy she told me not to worry about. They didn't have sex but they cuddled and did a lot of other things and she broke up with me using all of my faults as the reason why: "You need to get a job. I don't enjoy talking to you anymore, all you say is that I am beautiful....". These problems seemed so small, that simple conversations and proper communication would have fixed. But she'd never said anything. At the time, I was going through a lot of grief because my older brother had come down with a debilitating brain disease that left him completely dependent on others. I dropped out of school to become his primary caregiver. So in those weeks of October 2022, the shock from the unexpected breakup was so bad I had nightmares and would wake up with my sheets drenched in sweat for two weeks straight. We made up after week 1 but she still insisted she had no feelings for the guy until she cheated again while she was in COVID quarantine!! Turns out he was in quarantine too because she'd given him COVID( COVID has never been the same since) and I remember calling her that morning panicked because an intrusive thought had convinced me they were together. But how could they be when she was in quarantine?? She broke up with me again that evening and she did that thing where she became a completely different person: emotionless, indifferent. I had no idea why she was like that at the time and I didn't know she'd spent the whole night cuddling with the guy again, and when I asked why she was breaking us up again, she said it's because I needed to grow up. The next day she apologized profusely and did that thing where she was sweet and caring and loving, the her I know. And then a few days later she admits to what she had done. The next few weeks were horrible as I processed what had happened and she wasn't doing well too because of the guilt. She'd start speaking about herself in such awful ways and I of course couldn't bear to see that so I'd comfort her and I look back now, and I wonder if there is something seriously wrong with me for doing that. I ended things myself twice. The first time it was supposed to be amicable, and while extremely painful, I was worn down by everything. But then the next day I woke up to her goodbye voicenote which started "As much as you say he isn't part of this conversation, he is. He has gone through so much pain and everyone in school is against him...". I remember the horror I felt listening to that voicenote, what was supposed to be a final goodbye, and here she was, speaking about a man that I hated and that I knew nothing of and acting like losing him was the same as losing me. As if we were in some kind of polyamorous relationship. I blocked her immediately after.
She called me that night and by the fifth try, I picked up. She was a mess, crying and in some way, I was relieved because I meant something? After a long conversation and much consideration (but not a lot of time of us being apart) I decided she was worth forgiving so I gave her the chance to fix things as she'd asked. And working on our relationship wasn't easy at all. The trust was completely destroyed and every day I had to deal with nightmares of the two of them together and every morning I'd have to decide if she was worth it, and she was. I truly believed she'd just been having a difficult time and she'd made mistakes. I told her my boundaries (she should never speak to the guy in any form not even a courteous hi.) She agreed to all my boundaries and I worked on rebuilding my self-esteem and forgiving and forgetting. And by April this year, we were better than ever. I don't know how I put it all behind me but I did and I was better for it. Until July came, she started withholding affection and we talked and she said she needed a little time because she was confused about us. I gave her time because I understood that the distance was getting to her but then 3 weeks later when I needed an answer I asked if she'd talked to that guy. They'd texted a week before, and when I asked her why, she just said he was a friend so she thought it would be fine. And she didn't tell me because she knew I'd refuse. I had no choice but to end things immediately despite how painful it was.
As I type this I recognize how messed up it all sounds, but we were so amazing together 99% of the time. We were 19 when we started dating so we were both very innocent and different and we supported each other through such horrible and great changes. So everything that has happened feels crazy. Her texting him has brought back trauma from last year and it's like the time within shrank and I feel so emasculated, disrespected, and if not for the coping habits I developed over the year(long walks, calisthenics, journaling, positive affirmations, mindfulness, writing, and photography), I may have done something really stupid. All of this happened just a few months before we'd be closing the physical distance permanently.
What does it say about me, when the nicest, kindest person I know could treat me like that? The one person who knows all of me and that for years, said "I love you" multiple times a day. My rational mind knows no one deserves to be cheated on( the cheating happened last year but the breakup and lying have squeezed the time between together) but it feels like my fault it happened. How could I have let this happen? Long distance is unimaginably difficult, but I was equally in this relationship, right? And I never cheated. I put in the work of loving her even at her worst. I was always consistent in my love. I was always emotionally present and would go out of my way to surprise her with emails and letters, anything to bridge the distance. And yet here I am. Who even am I?
I now know that what she did last year was a lot of gaslighting and then love-bombing me until my entire perception of what was happening was warped. And it still is to the extent I can't cry. Although I once was able to when I turned my face down and begged gravity to do its damn job and pull the tears out! And it actually happened (Yes, I did wonder if my crying meant she was right about her having to wear masculine energy around me, but at the same time I know men can cry.) I've asked myself multiple times why I forgave her and sometimes the answer is that I didn't respect myself enough. But I also understand that I was going through immense shock and grief in a very short span of time. Everything was happening all at once. Plus every romantic relationship my family members have been in has ended horribly including my parents', so I intensely value commitment. I know I'm not weird or anything and that my attachment style leans more toward secure attachment, but my commitment to her has left me thoroughly confused and broken. I truly thought of her as family and family will always remain family right? I still don't understand how someone can instantly change like that, and I don't even hate her, nowhere close to that. It all just feels intensely unreal.
I'm experiencing a lot of depersonalization and derealization. I feel so small I keep thinking, "No wonder she did this! How could I have dared to be with her?" When I pour over old texts, I see the part of me that is so funny I still laugh and I'm like, "Huh, that guy is really awesome!". I see myself very clearly in those texts. But it feels like a different person. Like a character you read in a book. Someone who isn't insecure about their masculinity, who is confident, and who views the future with refreshing positivity. The me that has always been popular, but again, who was that guy?
I know this feeling of unreality is temporary but I am so scared that I won't ever regain those parts of me back. And even though I suspect I may have grown into quite a fine man who shows up for his family and friends, I mostly feel like a simp. Is a committed partner simply a simp and is that wrong?
My biggest problem is that I over-rationalize. I believe that when a relationship fails, it's because both parties have a role to play in it but the problem is, this thought makes me feel like I don't have the right to be angry and that it is my fault that everything happened. When she cheated last year I thought that maybe I'd been emotionally unavailable because of dealing with the grief of my brother's disease. But I recently went over texts from back then, and she was so loving and I was fully present and the calls were so many up to a week before she first ended things. So she basically suddenly switched on me at one of the most horrible times in my life. And despite this new perception of what happened I still feel like what happened back then, and us breaking up this year is my fault. Perhaps my forgiving her when she hadn't fully earned it when she hadn't apologized for everything despite promising to do so, made it all too easy for her to do this again? So I deserve everything that's happened to me?
This post is long because I just need another perspective on everything and I felt the need to give a lot of unnecessary context. Also, how do I rediscover those parts of me that are gone? I'm applying to college this year and my recommendations are amazing, I've been told my Common App essay is great, but I just can't find that very important quality of feeling that good things do happen, so I can't even give it my all. How do I get that back? How do you fight back against that pervading sense of despair and unreality, and what did I do wrong?
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