2. How do I get out of this cycle of only-sexual "relationships"? : stressLess-life

How do I get out of this cycle of only-sexual "relationships"?

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TL;DR I have been using men's sexual desire as the main source of my self-worth. My inner belief of "I don't deserve anything good" has been hurting me. I need to lose weight for my health, yet my self-hatred keeps me from caring for myself.

I'm 25F. I grew up with severe social anxiety and depression that led me being isolated. I've never had true friends or relationships. My home life wasn't good either. With all I went through, I started hating myself at an early age. Also, a big factor of hating myself was my weight. I've always been overweight. Now at 350lbs with a 53.2 bmi, I'm technically considered morbidly obese.

As you can imagine, growing up severely socially anxious, isolated, I didn't have a boyfriend and naturally never kissed a guy or had sex. About two years ago I started getting some treatment for my social anxiety and I have improved a lot. I decided to help with my body confidence, I wanted to post nsfw pictures of myself online, so I made a nsfw Reddit account and started posting. I also talked to a couple guys from feabie who had feeding fetishes. Being "celebrated" and admired by these men who loved my body as it was, big and fat, did actually help my confidence in my body build.

This all contributed to eventually having sex for the first time this February. It was fun, enjoyable. I've quickly hooked up with a lot of guys. But now in all honesty, sometimes I am doing it more for them than for me. I'm scared of disappointing them. For some reason even if I'm not attracted to a guy but he's attracted to me, I keep talking to him. I guess I'm leading them on and I'm scared of facing the repercussions of what I truly want to say: I don't want to meet you, I'm not interested.

I have now surrounded myself with with guys who only want to talk about sex. I know it's my fault. I know I can just block them. It has definitely been hurting me in a few different ways so I don't know why it's so hard for me. I guess I just want to feel wanted. I want to be desired. Because for so long I thought I was completely undesirable because of my weight. I learned that that's not true. That I'm actually so much more desirable than I thought.

Although it seems the desire only comes from men wanting sex. I try dating apps because ideally I want a real connection with a man, I want a partner. I want to bond with someone mentally and emotionally, not just physically. But it seems that doesn't exist for me. If I meet a guy online that is genuine and I get along with, he's already taken/married.

Because the guys I talk to just want sex, that's when they talk to me. If I say I'm not horny, they either don't message me anymore or keep pushing it. Many times I have sexted and sent pics/vids to guys only because they wanted it. I don't feel good doing it, but I want to please them. I guess it really is like the one thing in life right now I can do. I'm always a failure so it's nice to be able to "succeed" in one way by getting a guy off.

I know this is so unhealthy and damaging. I feel sick writing this. I know I need to change but I also feel so stuck. I need genuine friends. And no more guy friends. I've always felt more comfortable talking to guys though, online at least. I compare myself too much to girls. I get jealous. I shouldn't, but I do. But I need genuine friendships that don't revolve around sex in the slightest. Even when I would start talking to guys innocently, it turns sexual. I don't want to be this way.

I know all of this is due to my self-hatred. I do hate myself so much. I have this core belief that I don't deserve anything good. So when guys treat me as just an object, a big part of me believes that's what I deserve. I need to love and/or respect myself enough to not tolerate this. But how do I get to that point? I think I'm using these guys as a way to hurt myself.

My self-hatred is also affecting my health. Remember how I said I'm morbidly obese? I have learned to actually like my body now. That's the one plus of all this sexual shit, I have been able to see that my body as it is is beautiful and desirable. Despite that, I know for my health, I need to lose weight. It's a big inhibitor for me in terms of being active and healthy, living a freer life. I want to feel light and be able to move around freely. I want to lose weight -- and this time not for the looks. In the past I cared about weight loss solely for how I look, it's nice at least to not have that perspective anymore.

But my self-hatred makes it difficult for me to actually do anything about my weight. It's hard to care for something I hate. Along with the overly sexual men around me, I hurt myself in this way. It goes back to believing I don't deserve anything good. I don't deserve being healthy, feeling good.

Food is also a main way I cope with life right now. I've been very depressed and overwhelmed. It keeps me reaching for the foods that comfort me. I don't really get comfort from anything else in my life.

Gosh, this has been everywhere and so long -- and I could keep going but I better stop. Essentially I'm asking how do I love myself/respect myself enough to make these obvious changes I need to make? Have you been in similar situations? What helped you live with love for yourself instead of hatred?

I need to say one more thing. Since I do deal with depression, I'm scared that makes me not good enough for friends. I've been struggling majorly with anhedonia -- lack of pleasure or interest in things I used to love. I've become quite empty. I'm scared no one would be friends with me because of this.

I am on anti-depressants. I need to go back to therapy but I can't afford it right now. So in the meantime I hope I can get some advice. It would be so appreciated. Thank you for reading.

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