2. Could I be repressing suicidal thoughts? : stressLess-life

Could I be repressing suicidal thoughts?

https://ift.tt/rFkhRKq

I've been repressing some stuff for several years. I honestly don't know what I have been repressing (guess that's why it's repressed), but I have been trying to feel my feelings lately.

For the past many years, I have gone through week-long bouts of sadness brought on by rather trivial negative experiences (small mistakes I've made, being devastated with myself for getting angry about anything). Until recently, they've always eventually resolved themselves when I wake up one morning, bored at being mad at myself and ready to live life again. I've always been careful not to think too hard about why I feel ok, at the risk of reminding myself that I don't actually like myself and that I will never be satisfied with my life even if I do somehow reach my goals. I've just tried not to look the gift horse in the mouth.

Today, I felt the most depressed I have in years. I have barely been able to focus at work the past couple weeks, I'm consuming porn recklessly, and I am looking forward to absolutely nothing - not the weekend, not the work week, not dinner, not my vacation away from the country - nothing. I feel pain from the top of my neck to the base of my back. My chest is tight and deep breaths can sometimes be unbearable. Food tastes strange. I can't even drown out my ever-present anguish with YouTube videos or music. I am constantly aware of the sensation (although not the sound) of screaming, if that makes any sense.

A voice has been creeping up in my mind periodically for the past several years that will tell say things like,

"You should die."
"It would be best if you were dead."
"I'm going to fucking kill you."

The voice isn't particularly intelligent. It's usually just one of those phrases at a time. It doesn't formulate arguments. I can't have a conversation with it. It doesn't speak under the pretense of wanting to help me. It's just angry, desperate, rageful, and will usually creep up as a complete non sequitur to what I am doing, almost like a song you don't realize you've been humming. Up until today, I have never taken these exclamations to be literal wishes of my subconscious.

Today, I feel more strongly than I have in many years that I don't belong in the world, that if not for my family, I would have no reason to be here, that the best thing I could hope for would be a death beyond my control, so my family doesn't have to contemplate the betrayal of my suicide or whether they should have watched for signs.

I don't want these thoughts, but could this be what I've been repressing? Years ago, I worked to not feed these thoughts, at least I thought I did. Was I actually just repressing emotions? Is it possible I've been repressing suicidality?

I ask because I have not been able to come up with any other explanation for having so many symptoms of repressed emotions. I am irritable, prone to outbursts, addicted to pornography, racked with feelings of guilt and shame, less and less able to be around people and yet more and more disturbed to be alone. I just want to know why my feelings are making my life seem unlivable.

Could I have been suicidal all along and not know it?

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