2. Living the last decade in a trauma response. How can I love myself enough to let go? : stressLess-life

Living the last decade in a trauma response. How can I love myself enough to let go?

https://ift.tt/is16eOE

Hey. This is my first time posting, and it’s going to be a long winded one. I’ve never known rock bottom to be as deep as this one, so for those that stay to read & respond… I am eternally grateful. Thank you so, so much.

I grew up without my mom, nothing happened to her, she just could’ve cared less to be there. I was hip to hip with my dad until I was 7, then got remarried & created a new family. I was the basement step child for the next 12 years. (felt he need to include this to sort of understand the context of abandonment issues in this story)

From there I got pregnant summer of senior year with my son. Abusive relationship, didn’t last long. Actually moved to the state my mom living in was to try to make a relationship with her that I never had. More abuse.

Fast forward to meeting my current relationship. Started dating 8/2015. My son LOVED him. I moved him states to be with us, to move into my apartment I had got for my son and I. 6 months in, I found him on craigslist personals. Seeking out the most disgusting, horrific things I could have ever imagined. But he was here. With us. My son loved him SO MUCH. I had to forgive him & work through this. So we did.

A couple months later I found out that he was actually a felon. He had gotten a felony for distribution of drgs. He seemed so much better, zero drgs in our relationship, I just looked past it. Kept helping him find employment.

A year later things were really good. Honeymoon phase, butterflies, cloud 9. Then… Found him chatting a local wanna-be prn star. Discovered his prn addiction. Was begging to meet up with her Thanksgiving NIGHT. I left this time. Came back 4 days later because my son was distraught & I told myself that it was something wrong with me. I’m not providing him what he needs. We just need counseling. I can’t be a runner anymore. It could be so much worse. At least he doesn’t hit me.

The following year I discovered a fake snapchat of his, following porn accounts that consisted of women AND gay men. I was so confused. Like something has to be so wrong with me that he has to seek those things. At this point I did everything humanly possible to become everything he wanted, to make sure he didn’t need to do this again & that I was enough. At this point my son & him still had an incredible relationship.

Then….. I got pregnant. I was terrified. This part could be very long, but to keep it short, he wouldn’t touch me ONCE during my pregnancy. It “freaked him out”. Queue REALLY dying internally, wondering what is so wrong with me. Deep depression. Complications. During this time he took up the sport of Softball. 3 nights a week, full day tournament on the weekends.

We had the most beautiful girl in the world. I was so empty. But she was little me… I would die a million times over to give this beautiful baby the life every little girl deserves. Nothing like what I had.

During maternity leave, he would go to the mall when he got off of work, and hook up with women in his new Jeep. Found out that that was also going on during my pregnancy. The ONLY thing holding me up through these past years was my faith in God. At this point, I was so angry at him. I told myself he gave up on me & forgot me. Didn’t care. I was deeply, darkly depressed. He was always at softball, or doing whatever HE wanted. I was trapped. He knew I wouldn’t go anywhere.

Inserting this part for more context… I had always been the bread winner. I poured every penny into our home that I alone got for us. Created a dream back yard, plastered the walls with beautiful family décor & photos. Created a kids paradise. They deserved it all, and I stopped at nothing.

This is when I simply started living in survival mode. It’s been 3.5 years. I didn’t care to find things anymore. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I lived for my kids. My kids never saw my hurt or my pain. I faked it til I made it every single day.

I physically caught him with a man in January. I have spent the past 5 months being so broken. So upset. So scared. So disappointed in myself. HOW DID I GET HERE. Around this time he started using snow (dr*g). What is happening…. My dream home is trashed. He does absolutely nothing here. Never has. My son is always with his friends. He has no relationship with him. My daughter is with me 24/7 while I’m working remotely. I’m still plastering on the happiest smile for them.

But I have to go. I can no longer stay here. We can’t. I now make way less than I did in years prior. I couldn’t maintain this life no matter how desperately I wanted to. I don’t have an option of where to go, other than a 1 bedroom iffy apartment. I am at a point where no matter which direction I go, my babies are about to go through the hardest time of their life. The one thing I’ve ALWAYS shielded them from. And I have to walk away from the life that I poured every last excruciating ounce of myself into for the last better part of a decade. I have to leave the dream home I made for my babies… I have to go.

ANY and all advice is beyond a blessing to me. Typing from a lost place, so if you have any questions please ask. I’m an open book.

❤️❤️❤️

submitted by /u/Curious-Listen-6297
[link] [comments]








Related links


I want to know the mind and emotions of a man towa. I want to understand what he is thinking and feeling at any given time. I want to know what makes him happy and what makes him sad. I want to know what he fears and what motivates him. I want to know his hopes and dreams. I want to know everything about him.


Addiction Is Messy, But These Things Help Me Stay Clean


5 Ways to Use Movement (Not Exercise) to Support Your Mental Health


My Second Mother: When Someone Steps Up Like Family Never Did


just sitting silently


How to Release the Fear That Holds You Back and Keeps You Small


What Happiness Means and How I’m Boosting My Day-to-Day Joy


why am i always in one-sided relationships


Psychological behaviour of husband with his wife who failed in love before marriage


What makes you dislike yourself?


When You’re Ready for Change: You Need to Believe in Your Future Self


4 Anxiety-Calming Techniques I Wish I Used When I Freaked Out on a Plane


What type of doctors experience the most stress?


Why is it significant to overcome stress?


How I Stopped Chasing Men Who Hurt Me and Found Healthy Love : #stressless


Stay Comfortable


I have irrational thoughts that she’s better than me


Skills That You Can Learn From (A2) Trying Harder Isn\\\'t Always The Answer:stressLess-life.


How do we know what we want in our lives?


5 Simple Yet Essential Self Care Tips That Can Change Your Life


#2 . How do I stop putting my worth based on how men see me? : stressLess-life


Self love challenge - looking for a group to join!


People-Pleasers Are Liars: 3 Things We Gain When We’re Honest Instead


How to Deal With Low Moods: A 4-Step Plan to Help You Feel Better


One words to define love story Hater





does depression affect sperm quality


What is the difference between stress and emotions? The WHO has defined them as two different life skills and I am not able to make a difference.


What are some signs that show a lack of confidence in a person's speech or behavior?


Is it good to live hubby without love or marry to BF?


growing up as the only black member of a white family movie


separation anxiety mother symptoms


why self-love and self-care is important


I am very sad every day. I have decided not to live. What should I do?


why am i losing interest in things i used to love


never waste your feelings on someone who doesn't value your emotions meaning in hindi


I am very sad every day. I have decided not to live. What should I do?


Why is it significant to overcome stress?

Can-I-reduce-my-stress?

https://stressless-2021.blogspot.com/2022/06/reduce-my-stress.html

Getting Out Of A Slump

Me Exercising/dancing to Unbelievable by EMF. Not too great, but started doing this at 57 yrs......truly my inner child is coming out to play!:stressLess-life

Abandonment Issues



Increasing and practicing self worth and self love:stressLess-life

(A2) LIFE AND LOVE???:stressLess-life

Neon Genesis Evangelion and validating ones own existence:stressLess-life

Calmed myself down with loving energy.:stressLess-life

"Why do you forgive everyone but yourself?”:stressLess-life

How to accept belly fat?:stressLess-life



admiring myself all 2022 ??:stressLess-life



Self love feels so lonely:stressLess-life



Increasing and practicing self worth and self love:stressLess-life

(A2) LIFE AND LOVE???:stressLess-life

Neon Genesis Evangelion and validating ones own existence:stressLess-life

Calmed myself down with loving energy.:stressLess-life

"Why do you forgive everyone but yourself?”:stressLess-life

How to accept belly fat?:stressLess-life



admiring myself all 2022 ??:stressLess-life



Self love feels so lonely:stressLess-life









😄 " Forget the past; look forward to the future, for the best things are yet to come. ..... "