2. It's finally happening : stressLess-life

It's finally happening

https://ift.tt/eIqPzNT

Throwaway because ppl know me and I'd be way too embarrassed to face them if they read this, but I want to talk about it. I want to talk about it with people who would understand what I mean, what this means. NSFW cause it gets a lil spicy (mentions of ED, SA, S.attempt, but it's happy I promise)

For the first time in my (24F) life, I'm deeply in love with my body. The road here has been a wild one, I'm genuinely stupidly surprised that I even got here. I spent so many years hating myself with every fiber of my being that it almost seems silly or inconceivable to be here. I'm not sure how it started, and I'm still not confident enough to say it with my whole chest because my mental health is truly a roller coaster. One week I feel good, the next week I don't even want to be perceived as a human with a body. The thing is, the latter has been happening less and less, to where now, when it does happen, I (most of the time, though I have some slips) understand that it's a passing feeling, most likely triggered by something unrelated.

I'm in recovery from an ED officially and successfully since 2021 (yay), I'm the heaviest I've ever been (around 130lbs), and I've been wearing my natural hair for about a year now. I often find myself touching my body, completely non sexually, just because. I run my hands up and down my legs just to appreciate them. I grab my butt and breasts just in awe that I have them, and that I find my assets attractive. (I was SA'd which was like pouring gasoline on the ED. A huge thing I had to work through was allowing myself to have any feminine assets, any curves at all. I took the assaults out on my body, basically blaming myself for having a "desirable shape" which was just more "proof" in my ED brain that I needed to be smaller)

There's this indescribable, deep feeling of wanting to just stare at myself and smile, of wanting to feed myself, of wanting to love myself. Heck I even joined a gym! I feel like I gave social anxiety a kick to the face.

And although I sometimes have extreme lows they don't last forever, they no longer feel all consuming, they no longer feel like wanting to die or harm myself. They feel like visits from someone you're glad you only see per occasion and on accident, visits from someone toxic you cut out long ago.

I honestly never thought it'd get better, or maybe I did and that's what scared me. I guess I kinda had a hunch that if I could love to the same capacity that I could hate then I'd be in for a wild ride. But I never expected it to be like this. I didn't expect to actually forgive myself, or to find meds that would work for my mental health, or to actually apply myself and "be succeding" in therapy, or to fix the relationship with my family, or to actually enjoy living. I never even anticipated living past 16? 18?

I'm surprised it actually did get better lmao, I'm so thankful that I didn't give up on myself even after I thought I did. And I know you can do it too stranger. I know it. Because as little as two years ago I was still in the grieving process for my failed attempt, and prior to that I was inpatient, and prior to that I was psychotic, and prior to that I was assaulted, I could go on and on down the line from as little as 6 years old. I never thought I'd see the day in which I'd be happy to see the sunrise.

Friend, even if you don't believe in yourself I'll believe in you. What worked for me might not work for you, but that doesn't mean nothing will. And I'm a firm believer that your time will come, and when it does you'll be just as dumbfounded or maybe even more. And I promise you that you're worth it, even if you don't feel like it.

I love you, and the mirror loves you, and if you don't believe that then just tell it that I love you, and watch it say it back.

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