2. how to believe in yourself when you never have before : stressLess-life
how to believe in yourself when you never have before
https://ift.tt/aFslWo2im gonna be 22 in a couple of months. will be graduating from my undergrad a few days before. i feel nothing and don’t feel like i’ve accomplished anything at my time in uni. majority was spent in a drug induced haze and locked down due to covid.
anyways that’s not the point. the point is i’m about to turn 22 years old and don’t think i’ve spent a single year of my life since i was 14 actually living. i spend 98% of my day thinking and am anxious to do… anything. thinking about wiping down my mirror, for instance, might take a great deal of psyching myself up and effort. the weird thing is i know im an intelligent person, i learn quickly. i just have this subconscious belief that im incapable?
maybe it stems from the racial and sexual trauma from my childhood. maybe it stems from not having a nurturing mother who only ever compared me and pointed out my flaws. and maybe i’m just a piece of shit and it’s all my fault. all i know is that i often feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind (best way to characterize it). no substance to hold me down. no courage to try things. i only like to do the things i know i can succeeed at. and for a long time this didn’t include things like brushing my teeth (i know.). it’s sad but i’ve never believed in myself, since i was a child there’s never been anything i’ve truly dedicated myself to or pursued fully. i’ve never been truly intentionally consistent about anything.. it sounds crazy but it’s true. (well except for picking up weed and smoking. also have consistently hated myself for years lol) since age 4 i’ve struggled with feelings of shame and self doubt. that innate, base-level self confidence most people have just isn’t there. i doubt if im capable of almost everything, except maybe walking, ruminating, eating..
im getting to a point in my life where i’m desperate to shave myself off and reinvent myself. gain real confidence. learn to believe in myself. i feel so cold and bruised at this point. nothing is going on in my life yet my mind is so chaotic. im trying to get sober again so i can deal with all these issues. im just dealing with an extreme level of self loathing and low self esteem. i don’t know what to do
my thoughts consume me. my fears and inhibitions also completely rule my life
i don’t think i’m good enough, i don’t think i can make it , i don’t think i can form long lasting relationships, i feel like an error in every sense of the word.
constantly moving between i don’t want to be here anymore and i want to discover what life has to offer for the first time. today im feeling a bit more like the former. had a relapse 2 days ago and im just desperate for some encouragement.
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