2. 3 Weeks to Self-Love : stressLess-life

3 Weeks to Self-Love

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Hi everyone!

I'm thrilled to find a subreddit dedicated to self-love because I consider self-love the most transformative experience I've ever had, and it took me 3 weeks to experience the transformation. I'll share what I went through and what I focused on, but your experience with my approach may be different, since we all have different starting points and degrees of life damage.

In late 2019, I was going through a rough patch. I felt like my life was nowhere near what I wanted it to be. I've been reading personal development books, taking courses, and engaging in discussions for over 15 years at that point, but I truly felt like I had nothing to show for it.

This created a void in me that I desperately wanted to fill: I wanted the people around me to show me love. I wanted them to validate that I mattered somehow.

But I didn't get the love or attention I expected, which infuriated me and caused me to be insecure and lash out at my loved ones. I told my wife I wanted us to spend time together every day, but she was busy with our children's school assignments.

In my mind, this meant: school assignments > me.

One day, she took a call from another mother to discuss school assignments while we were having lunch. She left the table to take the call, leaving me to eat on my own. Again, my mind was obsessed with thinking: "what does this say about ME?"

When she returned to the dinner table, after 15 minutes, and asked how I was, it felt hollow: NOW you went to spend time with me? After I finished eating?!

I threw the f-bomb in front of my kids for the first time.

I'm usually a very considerate person, and I felt like I didn't recognize myself, in the moment. As though someone new was coming out of me trying to assert their needs.

But I wasn't happy with how I was behaving, especially since it made me dependent on others for my own well-being. I felt like I had no agency whatsoever. I was simply waiting for others to show me the love I felt I deserved.

This made me realize 2 things:

1- I was expecting others to show me love, even though I wasn't showing love to myself. I was being harsh on myself, so why would I expect others to treat me any better?

2- The vast majority of people into personal development aren't into personal development BECAUSE they love themselves, but IN ORDER to love themselves. We don't feel like we deserve our love and acceptance, and so we seek achievements that allow us to EARN our self-love

I chose to lean into self-love and focus completely on it, and nothing else. My focus was on 2 practices:

1- Notice how I'm speaking to myself, and nudge myself towards kinder self-talk. I would even be kind to the harsh voice inside my head. No confrontation, but attention and invitation

2- I would completely avoid judging others. Why? Because it makes me focus on the decisions other people make, which is outside my own control and, therefore, a loss of my own agency. Plus, it would perpetuate the same judgmental voice that I would direct towards myself, as well. I didn't want to judge, I wanted to observe, understand, and support. But I was starting with myself

These 2 practices were all I focused on. Nothing else mattered. I had a strong sense that everything else would be downstream from me loving myself (empathy, productivity, emotional regulation, healthier relationships, etc).

Within 3 weeks I experienced a personal transformation that has continued with me since then. I used to lose my temper at my kids a few times a week, but I went through 2020 not losing my temper once. I lost my temper a couple of times in 2021, but I was quick to recover and get back on track (by noticing how my frustration with others was a frustration with myself that I wasn't acknowledging or addressing).

We often think of self-love as a difficult goal to attain and a life-long pursuit, but these expectations can delay our ability to achieve self-love now.

Drop the expectations on when and how difficult achieving self-love can be.

Focus on befriending the harsh voice in your head. They're coming from a good (but misguided) place. Show the voice love.

Don't judge others. Don't find fault. Think of ways you can support yourself and others.

And remember: you shouldn't love yourself only when you succeed. You need to love and support yourself when you're struggling (in fact, that's when you need it the most). Self-love isn't the RESULT of success, but a critical INPUT to experiencing success.

And what's the value of success if we don't love ourselves? How many people do you know who have achieved success, but continue to be harsh and critical of themselves? What's success getting them? Where is their drive taking them?

Imagine how much better your life and pursuit of success would be if you truly felt like you are your best friend throughout the journey, instead of having to go through your life journey on your own (or with a harsh voice criticizing you at every step and with every turn), until you reach your destination. Why carry such an emotional burden along the way, when you can let go of this burden, and have the support that lifts you up and lightens the load you're already carrying?

Notice how you're talking to yourself and gently suggest a kinder way of communication with yourself. And avoid judging others or taking responsibility for their actions. See how these 2 practices can transform your life.

Feel free to report back with your experiences, and I'm more than happy to answer any questions you may have. 😃

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